Are You Suffering from a Touch of the Dreaded Dumper’s Remorse?

It’s normal to experience dumper’s remorse after ending a relationship. You wish things were different, but remember why you made the decision.

Making the decision to end a relationship is rarely easy. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together three years or three months. The fact is that you got to know another person. You decide to no longer be around them in a romantic way. You might choose to stay friends. Even if you do end up in each other’s lives in a different capacity in the future, it will never be quite the same. It’s completely normal to develop dumper’s remorse if you end the relationship.

Everyone assumes that it’s far easier for the dumper than the dumpee. That’s not always the case. Of course, some people find it easy to say “that’s it, it’s over” and walk away for good. People with a slight amount of conscience find it much harder to do. [Read: 12 of the worst ways to break up with someone who loves you]

What does dumper’s remorse feel like?

Think back to a time in your past when you ended a relationship, if you’ve been in that position. If you have, did you feel bad about it afterwards? It’s completely normal to feel a little down after you’ve potentially broken someone’s heart. Did you go on to wonder if you’d made the right choice, or wish that things had turned out differently? If you did, that right there is what they call dumper’s remorse.

You might also see your ex around a few weeks later, looking happier and lighter, and a delayed form of remorse might set in then. You’re wondering if you were wrong to make the decision or not.

The problem with relationships is that nobody knows how they are going to turn out. A relationship might turn out to be the best thing ever, a union of two people who were literally meant to be. On the other hand, it might turn out to be a huge mistake, two people who clash like drums and drumsticks.

Of course, it might be less dramatic. It might simply be that you don’t make each other as happy as you thought you would. You feel it’s best to part ways. Whether the ending was dramatic or not, the point is that you’re ending something which you had high hopes for at the beginning.

Nobody goes into a relationship with a negative mindset, hoping for it to fail. Of course, you’re disappointed. Again, that’s normal. [Read: Why it’s normal to feel strange when your ex starts dating someone new]

Is dumper’s remorse avoidable?

Can you avoid dumper’s remorse? Not really, but you can be sure of your decision in the first place. If you’re sure of the reason for ending the relationship and certain it’s the right thing to do, when you experience dumper’s remorse, sit back and reason with yourself. You’re just feeling bad for a relationship that never worked out.

How to be sure you’re making the right decision

Ending a relationship is tough. Being the one who gets dumped is equally as tough, but the time leading up to actually ending it, the agonizing over whether or not you’re doing the right thing? That is the hardest part. Once you’ve made the decision, you’ve settled your mind, and you’re not going to be swayed, provided you’re certain in your choice.

Never attempt to end a relationship that you’re not sure about ending. If you have doubts whether this is right or not, talk to your partner and work the problem out. Not every issue has to result in an ending. Sometimes problems might seem like huge mountains to overcome, but they’re actually small hills that just need a different tactic to reach the top. The best way to get over that is to communicate your problems and figure out what the other person thinks about it all.

Only then can you be sure whether you’re making a good choice or a bad one. [Read: Should we break up? 17 signs you’re past the point of no return]

It’s also a good idea to look at things in the cold light of day, and attempt to take your emotions and memories out of it. These will cloud your judgement and get you thinking about better times. Sometimes we stay in relationships because things used to be great, and we hold onto some idea that they’ll be great again. Hopefully that’s the case and what you’re going though is just a blip, but it could also be a sign that your best times are over and it’s a sign to move on.

Sadly, not all relationships last the test of time, but that in itself allows us to learn, grow, and move on to someone who is our perfect match.

So, avoiding a severe case of dumper’s remorse is really about being sure in your choice, and knowing that you made the decision for a set reason. It’s also a good idea if you cement that idea in your head, and again, don’t go thinking back over good memories and times you shared together. In that case, you might suddenly struggle to remember why you ended it when you did. [Read: 14 valid reasons to breakup with someone]

Dealing with dumper’s remorse

Dumper’s remorse can hit you at any time. It might come straight after the breakup, it might be a delayed reaction and hit you a few days later, it might even come a few weeks later. Perhaps when you see your ex on the street, or you catch sight of something on social media. It doesn’t matter when it comes, what is important is that you deal with it correctly.

So, how can you?

It all comes down to something we’ve talked about before. Knowing that you made the decision for a reason. Remembering what that reason was.

I’m not suggesting you sit down and bring to the front of your mind all the negative things that happened in your relationship. But, bring the reason you ended it to the front. This is what you must remember, as painful as it may be. Otherwise, you risk going back to that person, and maybe starting something again which is just doomed to fail.

Unless you can 100% fix the issue that caused the breakup in the first place, it’s simply going to keep repeating itself like a stuck record. Why put yourself through the agony of a breakup more than once? It’s simply not necessary. [Read: The guide to help you decide if you should be friends with your ex]

It’s not fair to either party

Remember, going back to a relationship, simply because you’re feeling a little sad about ending it, isn’t fair on your ex either. They will have felt pain and confusion when you broke up with them. They’ve probably done a lot of internal work to feel strong again.

Don’t confuse them even more by popping back up in their lives. Let them be. You both deserve to be free. Maybe at some point in the future, you can be friends again.

Dumper’s remorse isn’t a reason to go back. It’s simply your emotions replaying the good times in your relationship. It’s also a sign that you have a heart, and you’re missing someone who was once important to you.

[Read: The 10 clearest signs you should consider getting back together with your ex]

Dealing with dumper’s remorse can be difficult, especially if it’s the first time you’ve ended a relationship. You might feel guilty, sad, full of regret, but remember why it ended. 

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