Why Am I So Jealous? How to Recognize the Hidden Reasons & Fix It

There are times when I keep wondering, why am I so jealous in this situation? But, once I figured out the issue, I was able to let it go.

Jealousy is a poison. It eats away at you. Whether it is founded in reality or just in your subconscious, it can seep into every part of your life and relationship. If you find yourself wondering, why am I so jealous, it is time to face the issue.

When you feel jealous, it can take over your rational thought process. You may know for 100% certainty that your partner is loyal, but knowing they are going to a business dinner with their hot coworker still drives you nuts.

Where does jealousy come from?

Jealousy can sprout from so many seeds. It can be planted in your mind by the smallest comment in passing.

[Read: How to overcome jealousy and walk away from its destructive power]

When you are jealous, you feel protective. Even if you’re angry or irrational or just plain scared, it comes from a protective place. You have something or someone you hold dear, and something is looming over your happiness.

In fact, your relationship doesn’t even have to be threatened for you to feel jealous. If you have been cheated on in the past, those fears can easily carry into a new relationship with a new person that has never hurt you.

You may also be jealous due to insecurity. That insecurity can come from your childhood, a past relationship, your parents, or anything else. Feeling unworthy of love can make you hyperaware of anything that could sabotage your relationship.

Along with these, broken trust, competition, projection, and even just a gut-feeling can make you jealous. But, it isn’t always easy to nail down the source of your jealousy when it is taking over.

[Read: 20 ways to tame the green-eyed monster]

Why am I so jealous?

You may have already found something I said to be familiar. Maybe your past relationships are haunting your current one, or you are still working on trusting a partner you forgave for lying.

Identifying what is making you jealous can help you face the cause head-on and get over those doubtful feelings.

#1 Your past. Your past is probably the biggest aggressor when it comes to feeling jealous. Our psyche gets used to a certain pattern and expects it to happen again. Being able to anticipate cheating or lying is a form of protection that comes from being hurt in the past.

Maybe your ex dumped you for their secretary so now you are jealous of your current partner’s assistant. You put yourself into survival mode so you aren’t hurt again. You may act irrationally because you are dead-set on securing what you have.

Talk to your partner. Let them know you trust them, but that you can’t help but be worried because of what you’ve been through in the past. They should understand that this isn’t about you doubting them. Being able to share your past and fears with your partner and having them understand can help ease your jealousy. [Read: 17 relationship red flags most people completely ignore]

#2 Insecurity. I like to consider myself a confident person. I definitely wouldn’t say I have self-esteem issues, but insecurities gets to all of us, even those in happy relationships.

I recently starting seeing someone, and we are extremely happy. For some reason, I stalked his social media recently and came across photos of him and his ex. They broke up years ago, and I know they don’t talk, but seeing those photos still lit a fire inside me.

There was no rational or substantial reason for me to feel jealous. I have a past dating life too, but some insecurity deep down brought on those feelings. They passed quickly and I realized what happened, but even the smallest insecurity can make you jealous.

This is something your partner can soothe temporarily for you with an ego-boost of compliments, but you really should address this on your own since this comes from within you. [Read: 20 common reasons why you feel insecure and care more than other people]

#3 A need to win. Competition for someone with control issues or a need to win or even just be on the same level as someone else can lead to jealousy. And you may think romantic jealousy is different than in-office competition, but it isn’t so.

You could be jealous of your partner’s ex because they have a better job than you. You could be jealous of your partner’s celebrity crush or some girl he liked a photo of on Instagram. It can be completely ridiculous but to someone competitive in life, it can be so hard not to compare yourself. [Read: My boyfriend likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram – Here’s what to do]

This can go hand-in-hand with insecurity but can also be drawn from a need to win or have control. Trying to focus on yourself and your relationship rather than any external factors can help.

#4 Mistrust. If your partner has cheated or lied in the past, rebuilding that trust can be very hard. You may have forgiven them but you haven’t forgotten the pain. Even if your partner has given you no substantiated reason to be jealous, once the trust is broken, jealousy sneaks through all those cracks.

In this case, there is no easy fix. You can’t just put BandAids on the scars and move forward. Work on trust with your partner. It will take effort, time, and a lot of talking and trustworthy behavior.

Sometimes therapy and trust exercises can go a long way to regain trust. [Read: How to rebuild trust after even the worst type of betrayal]

#5 Projection. When we do something wrong, we are a lot more likely to accuse others of doing wrong. First off, we don’t want to be alone in our guilt, but we also know that if we are capable of something so are others.

You may not understand why you are jealous of your partner’s coworker. You know nothing is going on, but you feel uneasy about it or feel the need to bring it up with your partner.

This could be projection. Without even realizing it, you may be flirting with a coworker. It could be innocent, but deep down you know that you are doing something on the verge of cheating. Your buried guilt is showing up through jealousy.

Think about how you have been acting with others and roll back anything that you feel uncomfortable knowing your partner was doing, and see if those feelings go away. [Read: Micro-cheating – What it is and signs you’re accidentally doing it]

#6 Fear. Fear is the cause of all jealousy. Whether the fear of losing control, fear of loss, fear of heartbreak and pain… it goes on. The fear of pain or losing someone is so strong. It can negate everything you do.

Fear can be paralyzing. When it shows up through jealousy, it can get very ugly. It is so hard to let go of fear, especially this one. Talk to your partner about it. Whether you’ve been cheated on or betrayed in the past or not, losing someone you love is scary.

Just letting out those feelings can take some of the weight away.

#7 Self-sabotage. When we are protecting ourselves from pain, we often self-sabotage. This means we end things before we get hurt. This can be brought on by fear, low self-esteem, and a variety of things.

We get irrationally jealous as a way to push away our partner before they can push us away. A great example of this is Ross and Rachel from Friends. He gets insanely jealous of not only Rachel’s new job but also her coworker Mark, who has been nothing but a gentleman. [Read: 12 common ways you could be sabotaging your happiness]

We know Ross has been hurt in the past and that he has low self-esteem. Being with the girl he has adored since he was a kid is a dream for him. For so long he thought it was unattainable. Now that Rachel was with him, he was probably terrified she would leave.

Instead of sharing that with her openly and honestly, he self-sabotaged his own happiness with overkill. He suffocated her with love and jealousy which at first seems like a way to hold onto the relationship. Subconsciously, it was so he could end things before she could. [Read: Are you exhibiting the signs of being emotionally dependent on your partner?]

#8 Your gut. Jealousy is a funny thing. There can be so many things that bring it on and that can be explained, and there can also be no rational reason. There may be nothing you can put your finger on.

Your partner may be a gem. There are no suspicious phones calls in the middle of the night. They aren’t late from work or smelling like someone else. But for some reason, you can’t shake the feeling they’re cheating. Sometimes your gut just knows.

[Read: The complete guide to stop being insecure and start being happy in your relationship]

Can you now answer that frustrating question, why am I so jealous? I hope you can. And then I hope you work through it for a happy and healthy relationship.

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