Is Drunk Sex Rape? How to Know If It Was Consensual or Not

We all know that consent is an important conversation to have. But, what if you’re wondering is drunk sex rape? What if you can’t remember saying ‘yes’?

I remember having one experience where I was so drunk, I woke up in some guy’s bed. Did I know who he was? Nope. Do I remember having sex? Very vaguely. So now that we all know this happened, would you constitute that as rape? This is a hard question to answer and something that can’t be answered objectively. So, is drunk sex rape? Does it fall into a grey category?

This might be a difficult conversation to have. After all, we know that consent is so important. When you’re drunk, you’re not really thinking in a way that can be considered sensible or, in some cases, safe. It depends on how much you’ve had to drink, and how in control you are of your thoughts and actions.

If you, or a friend, has had drunk sex and isn’t sure whether or not it was rape, this feature might be useful to you. [Read: What to do if you’re raped on a date]

What you need to know about drunk sex

Firstly, you need to know we’re not talking about being tipsy and having sex. We’re talking about being wasted as in you can’t walk a straight line nor can you talk without slurring your speech. We all know alcohol lowers our ability to make the right decisions, but if you’re borderline passed out from being drunk, can you really make a decision?

Not all drunk sex is rape. However, if you woke up this morning with a horrible feeling in your stomach and don’t remember saying yes or saying anything, then you most likely had sex without consent. When you break that down, it’s rape.

We’ve all been drunk, but there’s a line that you can’t cross. [Read: Date rape – Facts and signs of date rape]

Of course, you might question how drunk the other person was. Were they more aware of their actions than you? Did they know you were so drunk you couldn’t make a sensible decision for yourself but did it anyway? Those are pretty firm cases for rape. Whether they were drunk too or not, if you didn’t consent, it’s rape.

Important points to remember about a sensitive subject

Every case is different. Everyone will feel differently about it. But, it’s what you think and feel that’s important. [Read: True sex talk – Alcohol’s effects on sex and your libido]

1. If you can’t remember what happened, it doesn’t matter

Just because you don’t remember everything that happened, doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape. There are women who are drugged and raped. They don’t remember anything after drinking their spiked beverage. If you don’t remember what happened but you know you had sex, well, that doesn’t sound very consensual.

2. How do you feel?

When you had amazing, consensual sex, you know it. Your body feels good, you mentally feel good—you’re just overall in a positive state. [Read: How to express your feelings & get your point across the right way]

However, if you feel you’ve had non-consensual sex, you’d know. Your body may have indications of rape—bruises, vaginal pain, anal bruising, or bleeding. These are all signs of forced penetration. You know how you typically have sex, so if these signs appear, they’re not from normal sexual intercourse.

You might not have any physical signs, but if something in your gut doesn’t feel right, you have to listen to it.

3. Try to put the pieces of the puzzle together

If you think you’ve been raped, but you’re not sure whether or not you want to file a report, then try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. You want to do this relatively quickly because if you do file a report, you’ll need a physical exam for evidence. [Read: How to stop being angry: Free your mind and stop hurting yourself]

Call your friends who were with you that night and ask them what happened and how much you had to drink. Remember to record all this information down if you choose to report it.

4. Don’t blame yourself

Listen, we all get drunk from time to time. You should be able to get drunk without having to worry about whether you’ll get raped or not. This situation could have happened to anyone, not just you.

So, don’t blame yourself for what happened. The person who raped you should be held responsible for not having your consent.

However, if you’re not sure if you consented or not, the confusion becomes even more cloudy. None of that matters however, what matters is that you know the blame doesn’t sit on your lap. [Read: Male privilege – What it is and what it looks like in real life]

5. If you’re both drunk, it is still rape

Many people use the excuse, “oh, well, I was just as equally drunk as she was.” Being drunk isn’t a valid excuse to use to defend yourself from raping someone. If this person was also drunk but they were the one to initiate sexual intercourse, they’re held responsible.

6. If you’re drunk, you’re not fully conscious

When we talk about drunk sex, we’re not referring to when you had two beers and you’re giggly. When you’re drunk, you’re not fully conscious. Alcohol affects the way you communicate with people and how you make decisions.

So, regardless if you wanted to have sex with them earlier that day but now you’re unable to properly function because you’re drunk, this is still rape. [Read: Stealth sex – What it is & how to stop an asshole from stealthing]

7. Save any texts or evidence from that night

If you think you’ve been raped, you need to start collecting evidence. Look at your call log, look at your text messages, and save your underwear and clothing. There may be semen on your clothing that can be used to prove you were drunk sex raped.

If you’re lucky enough to have the drink you were drinking last night still with you, keep it. You need to build a case for yourself proving something did happen and you didn’t agree with it. [Read: Feeling defeated? How to overcome the things that keep you stuck]

8. Just because you didn’t say yes, doesn’t mean you said no

If you don’t remember saying yes, but you don’t remember saying no, is drunk sex rape? Yes! Just because you didn’t say anything, doesn’t mean you said yes.

In fact, you literally didn’t say anything. So, you didn’t give a thumbs up or thumbs down which means they shouldn’t touch you. Silence is not the green light to have sex.

9. Decide whether you want to file a report

Choose whether or not you want to file a police report. Some women do not and that’s their personal choice. Some women feel that this is a very personal and intimate matter and would rather just leave it be. While others want to file a report and place responsibility on the individual who did it.

If you do choose to file a police report, which of course, we recommend, then you need to be prepared. Though people may sympathize with you, many point the finger at you instead. But you can handle this – nobody has a right to judge you. [Read: Sense of self – 21 steps to raise it and feel like a million bucks]

10. If your friend has been raped but they’re in denial, don’t force it

If you have someone in your group of friends who thinks they’ve been raped, support them. Listen to their story and be there for them.

Now, if they don’t want to report it, you can’t force them to do it. It’s their choice whether or not they take this incident to the police. All you can do as a friend is support them and their decision. [Read: How to be a friend – The real art of true & meaningful friendships]

You have a right to feel what you feel

It’s easy to try and brush something like this under the carpet and try to forget about it. You might tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. Perhaps you might even blame yourself for having too much to drink. However you feel, you’re allowed to feel those emotions.

Of course, you shouldn’t blame yourself, but you need to address and work through any emotions or thoughts you feel.

Confide in a close friend and talk to them about what’s happened. It’s always better to talk about things than keep them bottled up. That’s even more important in a situation such as this.

Whether you choose to report the incident or lay it to rest, know that how you feel is your prerogative and nobody can tell you differently.

[Read: How to be confident – The 20 life hacks you need to implement]

Is drunk sex rape? Well, sometimes you have a great experience, but you can also have a very dark experience with drunk sex. Though we hope this never happens to you, if it does, remember it’s not your fault.

The post Is Drunk Sex Rape? How to Know If It Was Consensual or Not is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.