Healthy Relationship Boundaries: How to Talk About Them & Set Them

What are healthy relationship boundaries? These may be different for every person but understanding what is right for you is important in any union.

Relationships are hard work, and sometimes you might think it’s just easier to stay single! If you think this, don’t feel guilty. It’s normal to wonder if life would be simpler if you were in a different situation. It doesn’t mean you actually want to change where you are in your life, maybe you just need to set healthy relationship boundaries.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship, it’s vital to set boundaries early on.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that the moment you meet someone you sit down and have ‘the’ talk, but it does mean that as soon as things progress towards the exclusive and serious point, boundaries need to be established and stuck to.

[Read: How to show respect and better love in your relationship]

What are healthy relationship boundaries?

Boundaries are basically the lines that you will not and do not want to cross.

These boundaries help both partners feel comfortable, happy, supported, and without worry or fear that something they’re not comfortable with is going to become a part of their relationship.

For instance, you might not be comfortable with the idea of your partner flirting with someone else. That might sound like a strange boundary to set, but it should bring a conversation up about what your idea of cheating is, what you will and won’t tolerate, etc.

By being clear, you avoid any future problems. [Read: The right steps to learn to set boundaries in a relationship & 15 rules you need to follow]

Why are healthy boundaries important?

Far too many couples end up with problems because they assume that the other partner should automatically know what they want and need and what they don’t want or need.

The thing is, you’re not a mind reader. Neither is your partner.

By not communicating clearly, you set yourself up for a major drama in the future. Surely it’s easier to just sit down and talk about these things pretty early on?

Boundaries allow you to retain your independence and remain your own person. They allow you to feel safe and comfortable within a relationship and grow together as a couple, without facing problems that make you anxious.

There are countless different boundaries you could set. But ensure that whatever you do talk about, sits on the healthy side of the line and isn’t erring into unhealthy territory. [Read: 14 signs you’re way too codependent and overstepping boundaries]

What is considered healthy and what is unhealthy?

You can’t just go around setting any old boundary and expecting it to be kept. The idea here is to have a long-lasting relationship that thrives and brings you both joy and happiness. If you set unhealthy or restrictive boundaries, that isn’t going to happen.

Boundaries are not rules. They’re the lines you set in your relationship.

For instance, spending time alone. You need to spend time with family and friends and not constantly be with your partner. If your partner is always trying to be by your side and doesn’t give this time to you, that’s one of the boundaries that you should set.

Let’s look at a few healthy relationship boundaries versus unhealthy boundaries here.

[Read: New relationship boundaries – 12 lines all new couples must draw early on]

1. Understanding your responsibilities to yourself

It is healthy to know that you’re responsible for your happiness. It’s not healthy to feel completely lost and incomplete when your partner isn’t around.

2. Friendships and outside connections

It is healthy to have friendships and connections outside of your relationship. It’s not healthy to rely upon your partner for everything, including your sense of happiness and fulfillment. [Read: How to spot codependent behavior early on and regain your self-identity]

3. Communication needs

A healthy relationship boundary is to be able to communicate honestly with your partner. It is not healthy to feel fearful of speaking up, or to manipulate or play games with your partner, or for them to do this to you.

4. Respecting your differences

It is healthy to have differences and respect them. It isn’t healthy to point these differences out or become jealous of your partner.

Can you see the differences? Healthy relationship boundaries form the basis of what is healthy and what isn’t. [Read: 15 easy ways to make your relationship way stronger and better]

For instance, if you’re someone who was cheated on in their last relationship, it’s very normal that you might be a little fearful of it happening again. This isn’t something you should try and avoid. It’s part and parcel of your past and the consequences of what your ex-partner did to you.

However, it wouldn’t be healthy of you to press those past experiences onto a future partner and to become suspicious and fearful every time they go out. In that case, you move into unhealthy territory. [Read: 20 things happy couples don’t do in a perfect relationship]

Boundaries are lines, not rules

By setting boundaries within your relationship, you’re not setting up a rule sheet to print out and give to your partner for future reference. It’s a set of lines that you feel comfortable with. This comes from communicating openly and honestly about what you need from the relationship and what you don’t feel comfortable with.

For instance, you may have a hard line that you never want to get married. You might have your own reasons for this, but it’s something you are sure of. It is a boundary for you.

It would be unhealthy if you simply pushed this onto your partner and said ‘take it or leave it’. But it would be healthy if you sat down and discussed it with your partner, explaining your reasons and exploring other options that you were both happy with or open to in the future. [Read: How to compromise in a relationship and not feel like you lost out]

Boundaries are designed to help you feel comfortable

Of course, there are some boundaries that should never be crossed and should be communicated clearly. Anything related to your sex life, anything that you’re simply not comfortable with and never want to try or happen, should be communicated and respected. The same goes for anything your partner communicates to you.

It’s all about talking and exploring your relationship together, within the boundaries of what is healthy and what isn’t. Boundaries are there to help people feel comfortable. When you feel that way, you’re able to thrive and grow within a relationship.

Healthy relationship boundaries ensure that your relationship never starts to move into territory that you feel uncomfortable with, restricted within, or unhappy about. Of course, this is two-sided and ensures that your partner feels the same way. [Read: 25 things couples in happy relationships always talk about]

When to have the conversation about relationship boundaries

Set your boundaries together, as early as possible, but not too early.

You can set healthy relationship boundaries without having a conversation. For instance, the way you act early in a relationship sets out what you will and won’t tolerate.

If your partner does something which you’re not happy about or not comfortable with, communication about that particular issue will show that a boundary has been put into place.

It’s not about sitting down with a pen and paper and writing a list of things that are boundaries for you both. It’s about finding your way together but communicating your needs, wants, desires, and fears.

By sitting down and saying “right, we need to set some boundaries,” you run the risk of scaring your new beau right off! [Read: Your complete guide to building a healthy relationship]

All you need to do is be sure of what you want and what you don’t want. Then, communicate these throughout the relationship. Of course, part and parcel of communication is listening. Listen to the same information coming from your partner. By doing that, you don’t need to sit down and have a heavy conversation, unless something serious happens.

Remember that healthy relationship boundaries work both ways

While it’s important to know your own boundaries, it’s also vital that you understand your partner’s needs and desires too. You can’t have everything your own way in a relationship and you need to learn to compromise between the two of you. [Read: Compromise in relationships – 12 tips to give without losing]

Perhaps your partner tells you that they never want to get married, but you’re not sure about the subject right now. In that case, perhaps discuss a civil partnership instead, or living together over the long-term. That way, you’re getting the level of commitment you want, and your partner doesn’t feel pressured into marriage.

Without the ability to communicate and compromise, your relationship is not going to go far. But, that doesn’t mean you should always bend on the things that are especially important to you. It’s about a fair balance and you’ll only find that by talking to each other and taking the time to really listen to your partner. [Read: Non-negotiables in relationships – 9 things you shouldn’t compromise on]

A few examples of healthy relationship boundaries

What types of areas are relationship boundaries normally set in? Here are a few specifics you can think about.

1. A need for personal space

It’s healthy to spend time with friends and family and not be with your partner all the time. A healthy relationship boundary to set is to have time on your own on a regular basis. That will enhance the time you do spend together. [Read: How to give space in a relationship without drifting apart]

2. Trust is a basic need

While expecting no jealousy is probably a stretch, you should expect to be trusted.

Healthy relationship boundaries are designed to help you to feel comfortable but they’re also there for your partner too. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing. So, you should expect that your partner puts aside any insecurities and trusts you, unless there is a very solid reason not to.

3. Respect at all times

Respect is vital in any relationship. If there is no respect or any times when respect is lacking, you need to seriously think about the future of your union.

A solid and healthy boundary is to demand respect at all times. Of course, that also means that you should respect your partner too. [Read: How to show respect in a relationship and love each other better]

4. An expectation to be faithful

You expect your partner to be faithful and you will be faithful in return. That means knowing what your idea of cheating is and communicating that to your partner. This helps to build trust and a solid relationship for the future.

5. A need to be supported and encouraged

Your partner should be someone who has your back, supports you, and encourages you to be the best you can be.

Any behavior which goes against this, i.e. they don’t want you to do something because they’ll be alone for a few nights while you’re working, or they’re scared you’re going to meet new people and move away, needs to be addressed. [Read: Monogamous relationships and your mind]

6. Healthy and open communication

Neither of you are mind readers and shouldn’t expect to have to be. One of the best healthy relationship boundaries to set revolves around open lines of communication and speaking about things that are bothering you.

Simply expecting your partner to understand what you want without telling them is not going to work. Of course, you want them to open up and tell you when things aren’t going well too. 

These are just a few healthy relationship boundaries to get you thinking. It’s difficult to give you an exhaustive list because every single person on the planet will have a different view of what is right and wrong for them.

Some people want one thing, while other people want another. But, basics like respect, communication, and trust form the backbone of any relationship and should always be mentioned when talking about healthy relationship boundaries.

[Read: Relationship rules – 30 must-know relationship tips to live your best love life]

Healthy relationship boundaries are often unspoken. However, it’s important to be as open and honest with your partner as possible. By talking things through, you can create a long-lasting, happy relationship!

The post Healthy Relationship Boundaries: How to Talk About Them & Set Them is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.