Falling in love is hard, but it’s overwhelming for those who struggle to love themselves. Here’s how to love yourself first and learn self-love.
Falling in love is perhaps the most beautiful and chaotic experience one can have all at once. It is that exhilarating rush one gets when one dives into unfamiliar waters. It is getting lost in a wonderfully strange world and not wanting to look back.
So many of us are like lost and wandering souls, looking for someone who would fill that empty void within ourselves. We are like incomplete puzzles, searching for our missing piece, our life mate.
We desire someone who would give us the real feeling of love, of what it is like to love and be loved in return. [Read: How to respect yourself – 37 secrets of self-respect, self-belief & self-love]
Love yourself first
Love is a very strange thing. Many go searching for it, wanting so desperately to find it that they ultimately lose themselves in the quest to find love. Perhaps one of the most profound lessons one can learn in life is to fall in love with oneself first, in a non-selfish manner.
It is the kind of love that can never run out. It is the kind of love that makes you learn self-appreciation. Self-love is essential for allowing real love to fall into place.
Unfortunately, loving oneself is easier said than done. After all, love is a very mysterious thing, and not even the best-versed poet can capture its charms. The truth is self-love, much like love for another person, can get ultimately frightening and wonderful at the same time.
We are often told that one cannot truly love you if you do not know how to love yourself first. This is both true and false.
Not being able to love yourself doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. However, if you don’t love yourself, it’ll be very difficult for you to accept the fact that you are loved, which makes whoever loves you struggle to love you.
In order to allow real love to enter our lives, we ultimately have to undergo the tedious and often humbling process of loving ourselves. Because how can we give our love away when we don’t have any for ourselves? [Read: Tips for falling in love with yourself]
What does it mean to love yourself first?
To love yourself first does not mean just putting yourself above all the others and stopping caring about those around you. Self-love is different from selfishness. So let’s find out what it truly means.
1. Improving your self-esteem
By practicing self-love, you can achieve healthy self-esteem, which is the feeling of being confident in your talents, opinions, and abilities.
When you have a healthy sense of self-worth, you’ll see that failure is a chance for growth rather than a painful sign of defeat. [Read: 18 ways to have high self-esteem and start winning at life]
2. Recognizing and managing your inner critic
Most of us are not strangers to those persistent thoughts that tell us we’re not good enough, that make us question our goals and downplay our successes.
To manage these thoughts, you first must identify that voice inside your head and what it’s trying to tell you. Then, you need to separate from your inner critic. View those thoughts as an alien point of view, not true statements. You can respond to your inner critic with a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself.
Your inner critic may get louder sometimes, but don’t act on it. Instead, take actions that represent your own point of view, who you can be, and what you can achieve. [Read: Why do I hate myself so much? Self-hate & what you can do about it]
3. Cultivating self-acceptance and authenticity
Accepting yourself and all of your personality qualities precisely as they are is the act of cultivating self-acceptance and authenticity. Whether they are good or bad, you have to accept them. This includes your physical and mental characteristics.
Self-acceptance entails realizing that your worth extends beyond your traits and deeds. Sometimes people refer to this as radical self-acceptance. Once you’ve accepted who you are, your confidence will increase and your susceptibility to criticism will decrease. [Read: Nothing makes me happy – secrets to make happiness your default state]
4. Common misconceptions about loving yourself first
Are you familiar with the five misconceptions of self-love?
- “If you don’t feel great, just work on yourself” – Yes, humans are designed to improve, but not everything is supposed to be amazing and terrific all the time. We are expected to experience negative feelings from time to time in our lives. It’s part of being human.
- “Everything you need is within yourself” – Not everything we need is within ourselves. This doesn’t mean we have to rely on other people and things to make us happy, either. In order to experience the full potential of being human, we must use both what we have within ourselves and draw from outside, external sources.
- “You can love yourself to happiness” – Happiness doesn’t come from a single thing. Make sure to act and practice in ways that aren’t simply motivated by love, but also by enjoyment, curiosity, learning, helping others, etc.
- “People treat you the same way you treat yourself” – The way people treat others is based on how they see others, not so much how you treat yourself. Assholes, bitches, and unpleasant individuals will always be there. This is not an all-encompassing rule.
- “You can’t find a partner until you love yourself first” – You can find a partner even when you don’t fully love yourself. People frequently cross paths at various points in their lives. Most of us would be single if we waited until we love ourselves completely since self-love is a lifetime journey, a never-ending cycle.
[Read: How to be emotionally independent & stop using others for happiness]
5. Loving yourself first isn’t a selfish act
Self-love is not selfish, and it will never be. Just because you care about yourself doesn’t mean that you’re selfish. It offers an indirect love that is fulfilled within yourself first.
It’s enriched with uptight caring for others, like a way of saying I’m learning to take care of myself, so I’ll know how to take care of you. [Read: Selfless love – 18 traits that set it apart from selfish love]
6. Loving yourself first isn’t as simple as treating yourself
When you see people talking about self-care, they usually discuss activities like getting a massage, taking a trip, or going shopping. These are great things to do to feel better, but treating yourself isn’t the same as actually liking yourself.
After all, you may be happy in that one moment and then go home and have to deal with your inner critic. One aspect of loving yourself is making time and space for your hobbies and interests, but that isn’t the full picture. [Read: 43 really fun things to do at home when you’re bored, broke, and alone]
7. Loving yourself first shouldn’t be about finding romantic love
If your only goal in practicing self-love is to one day find the one and get your happy ever after, you’re doing the right thing for the wrong reason. You must love and care for yourself in a healthy and genuine way in order to better your life. You should not do this out of a desire for romantic connections or to impress others. [Read: 34 true secrets to find love & why you haven’t found the right person yet]
8. There is no final destination for loving yourself first
You’ll find that loving yourself gets easier with practice, and you’ll notice its advantages quite quickly. There won’t, however, ever be a time when you can check it off your to-do list.
Think about it as a process rather than a goal. You ought to alter it from time to time to adapt to changes and bring more happiness into your life. [Read: How to respect yourself – 37 secrets of self-respect, self-belief & self-love]
What is it like to fall in love without self-love?
You can be willing to give your all to someone you love, but what happens when you give them your all without leaving some love for yourself? [Read: 34 life-changing steps to fall in love with yourself all over again]
1. We often think ourselves unworthy of being loved in return
To love is a great feeling. To be loved in return is an even greater feeling. It is ultimately fulfilling to have this love reciprocated. However, when one feels unworthy of another’s love, the concept of love can be hard to comprehend.
We can never fully allow our partner to love us for who we are, because we ultimately fear something, whether it is being hurt or the prospect of having another human being in our lives scares us. Finding ourselves unworthy of being loved is a tragedy in itself because everyone deserves love. It is a far too precious commodity not to be shared.
2. We often find ourselves to be lost in self-doubt
The first few months of a relationship are usually filled with feelings of bliss. However, when one has not learned to fully love oneself, one may find themselves continually asking, “Is this what I really want?” or “What am I doing here?”
Self-doubt can cause feelings of disillusionment in the relationship, which will only lead to feelings of discontent and, in a way, awe of what’s happening. When this happens, you feel like you are caught in between here and there, wanting to go another way, but always finding reasons to stay.
When you succumb to the doubt of whether or not you can pull through, the odds of pulling through won’t be in your favor. [Read: Imposter syndrome – 36 causes, signs, types & ways to stop feeling fake]
3. It gives you feelings of restlessness
Being restless in a relationship makes your mind and heart wander. When you find that your heart is restless, you can never really be happy with what you have.
You find yourself constantly questioning the relationship itself because you keep wondering if this is what you deserve or if this is what’s good for you or if your partner will stay despite your shortcomings.
The concept of having someone love you may be too overwhelming for you, especially when you haven’t learned to accept your own flaws. [Read: 45 truths & real questions to get to know yourself on a much deeper level]
4. You often feel like your relationship will suddenly end
Falling in love is indeed a dangerous thing because the concept of time is involved. Look back on your past romantic experiences, and you’ll see there is no such thing as “forever” because nothing really lasts.
Believe in the more real statement, “I love you for as long as you will have me.” Love, like happiness, ultimately becomes a choice, and the so-called “honeymoon period” will eventually die down.
When one hasn’t learned to love oneself, there will be the anxious feeling that the relationship will end, and you feel like you are hanging by a thread. [Read: Ways to get through a rough patch in a relationship]
5. Insecurities will always play a major part in your relationship
Let us all accept this one truth: there will always be someone better than you. It’s normal to go through a phase when you are plagued with insecurities, but it’s better to accept your insecurities than live in denial.
Insecurity will always lead you to doubt your partner. You will constantly wonder if your partner is cheating on you, if they will leave you, or if you will ever be good enough.
Remember that there is a lot of beauty in this world, and you are beautiful in your own right. Remember this: your partner chose you. [Read: Ways to stop being needy and insecure]
6. It will make you keep coming back to what broke you
When the relationship does end, everyone goes through a mourning period. Sometimes, when one hasn’t taken a chance to pause and do some introspection, they go back to what broke them in the first place.
This is a destructive habit because you will never know what you truly want, and it doesn’t give you the chance to fully heal. In order to love yourself, you must have a chance to be alone and not go back to the same destructive ways that caused your world to come crashing down in the first place.
One reminder is that in order to find someone who will love you for who you are, you must accept yourself as you are, with no pretensions. After all, let’s be honest, if you cannot be true to yourself, how can you be true to others?
When you have learned to love yourself for who you are, warts and all, the right love, the one that you ultimately need, will land at your feet, and you don’t have to chase it. [Read: 20 signs you’re too much of a people pleaser]
7. People use you as a doormat
Without self-love, people will take advantage of you. Think of a time you were mistreated or used for your kindness. What did it feel like?
It’s important to identify what triggers you and what you value in order to move forward. Notice the little things that take advantage of your time, kindness, and attention. Be aware of your interactions, and if people make you feel like you’re being used, act on it or speak up. The more you practice saying “no” or standing up for what’s right for you, the higher your self-esteem.
8. You don’t get what you want out of life
Not loving yourself would ultimately result in you being a slave to your negative thoughts. Negative thinking can even contribute to mental problems such as anxiety, depression, stress, and low self-esteem.
This prevents you from using your full potential and achieving what you want out of life. The key to altering negative ideas and beliefs is to learn to understand yourself. Know what you want and what you’re capable of, and don’t let your inner critic convince you otherwise. [Read: 16 things you need to give up to have a happier life]
Why you have to love yourself first
If you’re dealing with a lot of insecurities right now, here are the reasons why you have to love yourself first. [Read: What is true love?]
1. You have to
If you want to be happy and have no regrets in life, you must first love yourself. You could have been reluctant to let someone love you since you have been told you weren’t worthy of love before. But this generation must break through that glass ceiling.
You deserve to be cherished. You are an outstanding person. Do you really want to spend your limited time in this world self-loathing?
Hatred causes more hatred. So do you want to be at war with yourself for the rest of your life or remain at peace and create new and incredible things? [Read: Honest secrets to let go of the past, be happy and look to the future]
2. It’s your responsibility
You can never succeed if you give up control of your self-love and put it in the hands of others. After all, loving you isn’t someone else’s responsibility. It is unfair to demand that your family, friends, partner, or children to do it for you.
3. It’s not selfish
Every flight has a rule that states you must put your own life mask on before assisting another passenger. You will die before you can help someone who’s unable to help himself, therefore, doing that isn’t selfish. Making oneself suffer while attempting to be there for others is not heroic.
Similarly, you must love yourself first before you can help others. Don’t put up with draining situations. Make decisions that are in your best interests. It may sound selfish, but it’s really not at all. [Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
4. It makes it okay to be unloved by others
When you love yourself, you don’t require validation from other people. It’s okay for you if someone doesn’t like your vibe because someone always will. [Read: 44 stress-free ways to ignore someone & stop people from hurting you]
It may be better since you’ll be able to tell who really cares about you, who loves to see you happy, and who really wants to see you suffer. When you put yourself first, you can identify the important people in your life and get rid of the toxic ones.
5. You deserve it
Throughout your whole life, you have been told that you aren’t supposed to love yourself. You should put other people’s needs before your own, and you can only benefit from your good deeds. All of us have learned that love isn’t always equal.
Still, love yourself. Why on earth would you deserve anything less when you are a lovely, kind, and unselfish human being?
6. Why not?
If you think about it, there’s no downside to loving yourself, is there?
Are you afraid that you’d be perceived as narcissistic, and it’d make you unlikeable? Although it is possible, wouldn’t it be better if you were surrounded by those who admired you for liking yourself? [Read: How to be fearless – 18 ways to set aside fear & live like a champion]
You are the one who builds your own world. The benefits of loving yourself are endless.
7. You can inspire someone
By loving yourself, you have the power to motivate others. Most people are simply waiting for a leader to take risks and demonstrate that it’s safe. Be the one to speak up and declare, “I love myself. It’s scary, but it’s okay. I don’t need to rely on other people to realize my self-worth.”
Watch how many people will see you as an example and inspiration. So why not change your life in order to change someone else’s? [Read: Songs to inspire you to move up the ladder of success]
8. It can only improve your life
Self-love has the ability to enhance your mental health. When you’re in a better environment, you can feel better, be more confident, secure, and happy. Your days will be filled with laughter and you will try new things because you’re no longer afraid to fail. More importantly, you’ll have the self-assurance and tenacity to pursue your ambitions and live your life to the fullest.
9. You can change the world
This may sound surreal, but loving yourself is a simple act that can change the world. You now possess a new sense of self-assurance and fearlessness. You no longer rely on another person to provide you with all the emotional advantages that come from love.
Once you’ve achieved self-love, greatness will quickly follow. [Read: Most famous couples in history & how they changed the world]
10. You can love someone for real
You may spend the rest of your life giving love away in hopes of getting it back, but life isn’t a business deal. Some people just take and you keep on giving without noticing how your own sense of value and self-worth is being diminished.
You can love someone the way they deserve to be loved when you love yourself unconditionally. [Read: How to love unconditionally – stop screwing up & start loving instead]
How to love yourself first
Not sure where or how to start on your self-love journey? No problem. Here’s what you can do to love yourself first. [Read: 38 small changes to better your love life & improve the relationship 10-fold]
1. Don’t do it alone
On this journey, you’ll be doing a lot of internal work, paying a lot of attention to your thoughts, and regularly checking in with yourself.
You’ll discover a lot about yourself along the way, and these revelations may trigger a range of complicated feelings, including perplexity, anxiety, humiliation, and ecstasy.
When you express your feelings to a person you know and trust, it makes it easier to cope with them. It may be a parent, a sibling, a partner, or a friend. You can also seek professional help from a therapist, mentor, or life coach.
2. Listen to the inner critic
You must learn to identify the voice of your inner critic. This may be challenging since the inner critic may occasionally sound quite sensible. It’s important to remember that it’s doing its best to sabotage you, and the only way to fight it is to stay calm, take a pause, and talk back to it.
One powerful phrase you can use with the voice inside your head is, “Who told you that?”
When it tells you you’re not good enough or tries to convince you your partner hates you, ask that voice, “Who told you that?” If there is no answer, it’s very likely that your inner critic just made it all up.
3. Practice setting boundaries
Stop being a people pleaser. You cannot make everyone happy, and you’re only making yourself unhappy in the process, so is it really worth it?
The key lies in being patient. Don’t immediately say yes when someone asks you to do something for them. Ask them if you can have some time to consider it, and then give yourself the space to reflect on the overall situation. [Read: New relationship boundaries – lines all couples must draw early on]
4. Be kind, forgiving, and patient with yourself
When your inner critic says something negative about you, imagine it’s talking to your best friend. Would you say those same words to your best friend? Of course not. You would want your best friend to feel good about themselves, right? So why can’t you do the same for yourself?
Another way to do this is to put a photo of yourself when you were a child on your mirror. When you look in the mirror and hate what you see, look at that photo. Would you say the same things about that innocent and hopeful child?
5. Drop the victim mentality
Someone who has a victim mentality may enjoy the attention or sympathy they receive as a result of their tragedy. A sense of lacking something is the key component of the victim mindset. It’s easy to become mired in a stream of despair and self-pity when you feel that something is missing.
On the other hand, when you focus on the good aspects of your life and be thankful for them, you can adopt a positive mindset. [Read: Playing victim – signs & reasons why it makes your life way worse]
6. Give love without feeling depleted
Although you might think you have the capacity to love, in reality, you are providing love from an empty space, which further depletes your energy and empty your tank.
As a result, you experience a feeling of tiredness, depletion, and emptiness. If you fill yourself with self-love, you’ll be able to give love from a full tank. [Read: Being in love – 15 best things in life only love can give you]
7. Don’t worry about others’ opinions
Stop worrying about what others think of you. Yes, it’s normal to want people to like and respect us, but worrying too much will damage your mental health.
Expect and accept that people will have different opinions of you, which you cannot control. Those who think badly of you for making mistakes have made mistakes themselves. Most importantly, don’t try to mind-read because you’re probably wrong.
8. Process your fears
Just like making mistakes, fears are a normal human emotion. Recognizing your worries instead of rejecting them will benefit your mental health greatly. Questioning and analyzing your fears may help you uncover so many new things about yourself, and if you struggle to do this on your own, get a therapist who can assist you.
9. Trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself
Most of the time, we don’t know in our hearts what is best for us and frequently doubt ourselves and our ability to do the right things. Keep in mind that your emotions are real.
You are not becoming detached from reality. So be your best ally because you are the only one who truly understands you. [Read: 45 truths & real questions to get to know yourself on a much deeper level]
10. Exercise boldness in public
Make it a habit to voice your opinions. The more you practice boldness, the more it grows. Don’t wait for approval before settling in at the table. Join the conversation and contribute your ideas. Take initiative and remember that your voice matters just as much as anyone else’s.
[Read: How to express your feelings – 16 must-know ideas to speak your mind]
After all, true love needs not to be chased, but rather comes unexpectedly. Love yourself, and your self-love will attract the right one.
The post Love Yourself First: Where People Go Wrong, 36 Whys & How to Do This Right is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.
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