Living with a narcissist is dangerous, but it’s not always possible to leave. Until you can safely get out, you need to know how to live with a narcissist.
Living with a narcissist is anything but easy. Many people will tell you to leave the situation, but it’s not always so cut and dry.
If your partner, roommate, or family member is a narcissist, other issues always play a role. Maybe you want to leave, but the timing is off, or you don’t feel strong enough or safe enough. If any of that is true, you must learn how to live with a narcissist.
These tips will help you keep your cool and bring more balance to your life.
If you’re stressing out over living with a narcissist, you can make the situation better. [Read: Gray rock method – what it is, 23 secrets, & how to use it on a narcissist]
Signs you’re dealing with a narcissist
Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re even dealing with a narcissist. There are several personality disorders that mimic narcissism to an extent, such as borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.
Your person might not even be a narcissist. They might simply be wildly manipulative and toxic.
Sadly, there’s no blood test or scan that can definitively label someone a narcissist. There are, however, several signs that can help you figure out if you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Look at some of these signs and educate yourself. While you might not know for sure, it’s safe to say that if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
1. Do they lack empathy?
Narcissists are well-known for their inability to empathize.
They’re notoriously self-centered and self-involved, so they can’t really identify with how others are feeling. Not only can they not understand it, but they just don’t care to. [Read: Lack of empathy in a relationship – why it matters & how to fix it]
Part of this is largely due to the fact that they just don’t understand feelings in the first place. They have trouble identifying where their feelings come from and tend to put the blame on others rather than taking responsibility for themselves. This is especially true for any negative feelings.
2. Do they self-aggrandize?
Self-aggrandizing simply means that they do and say things with the intention of making themselves appear more powerful or important than they obviously are.
Does your potential narcissist constantly brag about themself?
If they just can’t stop talking about how successful they are or how much better they are than someone else, they’re showing self-aggrandizing behavior. They’re aggressively competitive when it gives them a chance to show off their superiority. [Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
3. Are they unapologetic?
Being grossly unapologetic is the hallmark of narcissism.
Narcissists simply refuse to accept responsibility for anything. They will absolutely not admit any wrongdoing on their part, but they’ll definitely find a way to turn it around on someone else.
As great as their need for control is, they won’t accept any part of something that isn’t done perfectly or according to their plan.
They love an “everyone is out to get me” mentality, but you probably already knew that if you live with a narcissist.
Of course, if something does go their way, they’ll want all the credit for it.
4. Do they overreact to criticism?
If you need to know how to live with a narcissist, you’ll definitely need to understand how they respond to criticism. [Read: How to be less critical – 15 reasons why you judge & how to stop it]
Honestly, it’s never good.
Narcissists cannot handle criticism. It goes right along with how they won’t take responsibility for anything and choose to cast blame instead.
It might not seem like it, but narcissists are generally extremely insecure, and their self-esteem is incredibly fragile.
Even the slightest amount of criticism feels like a direct attack and can cause a drastic overreaction.
5. Are they manipulative?
Not all narcissists display every single narcissistic tendency, but nearly every narcissist is known to be manipulative.
They have an arsenal of manipulation tactics that they use to bend everything and everyone in whatever way they desire.
They’re all about control, and they’ll do whatever they have to do to maintain the control that they seek. They’ll employ gaslighting, guilt trips, playing the victim, and many other techniques.
[Read: Psychological manipulation – How it works & 37 tactics, signs, & ways to deal]
How to live with a narcissist
You might be in a situation where you just cannot leave. Maybe your narcissist is a parent or sibling, and leaving your home simply isn’t an option.
Perhaps you’re in a serious relationship with or married to a narcissist, and things have become overwhelming and out of control. Narcissists have a unique way of tearing you down, so you might not feel strong enough to pick up and go.
Sometimes, you have no choice but to learn how to live with a narcissist. Here are some tips to make living with a narcissist easier.
1. Accept that they’re a narcissist
If you’re planning on trying to change them, think again.
They are who they are, and this is something you’ll need to accept. If you’re trying to get them to see the light, it’s not going to happen. Convincing them that something is wrong isn’t possible because again, they never accept personal responsibility.
Accept that this person is narcissistic.
By accepting it, you’ll be able to handle the situation in a way that’s healthy for you without trying to fix them. [Read: How to recognize and stop selfish people from hurting you]
2. Stop focusing on them
Narcissists crave attention, so when you react to their manipulative and honestly frustrating behavior, you’re just giving them what they want.
They’re the center of their world, and they also want to be the center of yours. They might go out of their way to make sure that your focus is on them. Sometimes, their attention-seeking behavior can be extreme.
You end up pushing aside your own needs and making them a priority. To deal with a narcissist, stop giving them the attention that they crave. Make sure your needs are fulfilled first and foremost.
3. Create firm boundaries
It sounds brutal but it’s true; they’re getting away with their behavior because you give in to what they want.
You need to create firm, rigid, non-negotiable boundaries. Create some lines for yourself that cannot be crossed. If your narcissist tries to bend your will with their behavior, just let them know that you’ve set this boundary and you’re walking away from the conversation.
[Read: How to say no and stop all the people pleasing]
4. Speak up
You know have a voice, but they haven’t heard it yet. Use it!
Of course, there are some things that aren’t worth arguing over, so you should know how to pick your battles.
But when a narcissist has crossed the line, they need to be told. Don’t get upset or flustered. If you want to know how to live with a narcissist without losing your mind, just keep your cool and let them know where your boundaries are.
5. Know when you’re being gaslighted
This is one of the oldest tricks in the book for narcissists, and it works every time.
Gaslighting is when someone says something but then later denies what they said or claims that they said something else.
They’ll constantly insinuate that you’re crazy by saying that you must have misheard them or that you just made it up entirely. [Read: Signs that a narcissist is gaslighting and playing games with your mind]
When you know this is happening, you can stay firm in your beliefs and not let their gaslighting tactics get to you.
6. They will push back
You’re going to speak up and tell them where your boundaries are but don’t expect them to go along with it without a fight.
Especially if they’re used to you backing down, this is new territory for them. They’re not used to your rebuttals, and they will push back because narcissists need to be in control of everything. They’ll try every trick in the book to get you to falter, but stand your ground and stay strong.
7. Work on your self-esteem
Narcissists know the people around them very well, and they’ll use their weaknesses to take advantage of them. [Read: How to build self-esteem & love life with simple life changes]
When you know how to live with a narcissist, you can find ways to be strong and work on your self-esteem. Spend more time practicing self-care, and surround yourself with supportive people. Your narcissist has likely done a lot of damage to your self-worth, but you can rebuild it.
8. Have a good support system
Living with a narcissist isn’t easy, but having a strong support system will help.
A narcissist will do everything to pull you away from the people who care about you. Don’t make the mistake of isolating yourself from friends and family. Do the opposite.
Talk to your friends and family about what’s going on, and make a point to keep yourself involved with friends and family. [Read: Good friends are like stars – how to build lasting friendships]
9. Make them take action
Narcissists love to make promises and never keep them.
A narcissist will tell you they’ll do everything later, but you don’t want it done later. You need them to take action now. If they make a promise, have them follow through with it right away instead of in two or three days.
10. Become a good negotiator
You need to become a good negotiator because they’re going to try and control every situation.
Don’t feel like you have to give in every time they push back. They very well might be willing to negotiate, so give them a chance to make a deal. [Read: Controlling people – 32 common traits, signs, and ways to deal with them]
11. Be safe
By creating boundaries, you’re deciding what is and isn’t safe for you.
If you feel that you’re in an unsafe position, don’t assume that things will magically get better. They won’t. Remove yourself from the situation as soon as you’re able to and get into a safe space to figure out your next step.
Learning how to live with a narcissist is so hard that sometimes it just can’t be done.
12. Keep your cool
Narcissists work off of emotions, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep your cool.
Don’t fall into their emotional trap. Calmly express your feelings, ask for an apology, and move forward. Fighting with a narcissist is a fruitless battle. [Read: Narcissistic supply – how to stop giving a narcissist what they want]
13. Don’t take it personally
A narcissist is never thinking about anyone else, so don’t take this personally.
Their focus is only on themselves, and you’re just one of the many pawns they try to use along the way. It would be the same for whomever else would have been in your position.
Though it may feel like it, their actions and words have nothing to do with you.
14. Get out of the situation
Not all of us can pack a bag and go on a whim. But if the situation is getting out of control and you’re not able to improve it, try to find an alternative solution. If you can’t move or don’t know where to start, seek professional help.
[Read: Here’s how to get a narcissist to walk out of your life]
However, if you have the means to get out, even if your best move is to stay with a friend while you look for a new place, you should do it. Every second with a narcissist can be detrimental.
15. They may need professional help
You might do everything on this list to figure out how to live with a narcissist and get nowhere.
Understand that they probably need professional help. Of course, they don’t see that they have a problem, but narcissists usually have other issues, such as substance abuse, personality disorders, or trauma. When the time is right, suggest that they seek professional help.
What not to do with a narcissist
Catering your every move to a narcissist’s current mood is difficult and exhausting.
It’s not easy to learn how to live with a narcissist and tread so carefully. You have to be careful with your criticism, make sure you express your emotions calmly, and calculate every reaction.
It seems like there are a thousand things that you should do when dealing with a narcissist, but what about what you should not do? [Read: Can a narcissist change? Why it’s hard & subtle signs they’ll change for you]
1. Don’t argue or confront
During an argument, narcissists will pull out every tactic that they have to shut you down.
Remember that they are master deflectors, so even if you know for a fact that they’re in the wrong, they’ll expertly pin everything on you. Because they’re fantastic gaslighters, you’ll believe it.
In addition, because they lack empathy and don’t care about anyone else, they’ll never understand your point of view because they don’t want to and don’t care to.
A narcissist will never back down, so arguing with them will only serve to wear you out.
2. Don’t try to direct them
They absolutely have to control everything. If you try to take control of something, they’re very likely to overreact and explode, especially if they also feel like you’re criticizing them.
As hard as it is to tiptoe around them, it’s better to learn how to live with a narcissist by managing how you react to their need to be in complete control instead of just laying it out there and telling them that they can’t be in complete control.
[Read: How to leave a narcissist & free yourself from their web of control]
3. Don’t expect them to see your point of view
We can’t drive this point far enough. Narcissists don’t care.
They don’t care how you feel, what you think, or why you think it. They don’t have it in them to consider someone else’s side of things. If it’s not their side of things, it’s the wrong side.
Narcissists very rarely admit it when they’re wrong. Trying to change their mind will backfire.
4. Don’t expect deep and meaningful communication
Empathy is necessary for meaningful and effective communication. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t have any empathy to give. They’re extremely one-sided and self-serving. They are their favorite topic of conversation. [Read: How to deal with self-centered people without losing your mind]
Trying to have a deep conversation will likely end in a complete shutdown or outburst.
As mentioned, narcissists don’t understand feelings, where they come from, or how to process them. Because of this, they tend to be safest conversing at a surface level.
When to leave
Sometimes when you’re learning how to live with a narcissist, the ending conclusion is knowing that you just can’t. Sometimes, it’s not as clear. You might question whether or not your best option is to walk away, but you just aren’t sure.
So, how do you know when you should leave a narcissist?
1. When you’re feeling isolated from loved ones
Narcissists will slowly and strategically isolate you from the people closest to you.
It’s often done so strategically that you don’t even know that it’s happened until it’s done. It feels like you wake up one day and realize that you haven’t really communicated with your family or spent time with your friends in a long time. [Read: Are you self-isolating with a narcissist and need help coping?]
When it comes to the point that you realize that your narcissist is the only significant relationship you have, it’s time to go.
2. When you doubt your sense of reality
Narcissists have a way of making you question yourself and your reality. Their favorite ways to do this are by way of gaslighting you and destroying your self-esteem.
When gaslighting, the narcissist’s goal is to make you feel crazy. They want you to question yourself, and they want to make you believe that they’re right and you’re wrong.
By breaking down your self-esteem, they’re causing you to think things about yourself that aren’t true.
This distorts your vision of who you are as a person.
3. When you repeat the same arguments
Sometimes a narcissist argues just for the sake of arguing.
You might find that you have the same arguments over and over again. One of the main goals of this tactic is to make them feel powerful. Narcissists don’t back down, so the likelihood that you’ll win an argument is pretty slim. [Read: Narcissistic relationship – 36 signs, patterns, & how to end it]
They’ll have the final word and feel like they have more control and power to exercise.
4. When you try to justify their behavior
When you start to create excuses for their narcissistic behavior, you’re in a really bad position. Whether you’re trying to justify it to yourself or someone else, try to stop.
There is never an excuse for them to do the things they’re doing. The only excuse is that they’re a narcissist.
5. When you repeatedly fall for false promises
We’ve already discussed that narcissists are great at making false promises.
When you fall for it over and over again, step back and try to see the patterns. [Read: Narcissistic relationship patterns – the stages you have to face]
Maybe they tell you that they’ll see a therapist after they finish a project at work. When that day finally comes, they magically have another huge project that needs every ounce of their focus. But don’t worry! They’ll definitely start therapy when this one is over.
They won’t. It’s time to go.
Tips for healing after living with a narcissist
You go through a lot when you live with a narcissist. By the time you leave, you likely don’t even know who you are anymore.
You’re probably confused, overwhelmed, and worried, and you’re definitely exhausted.
If you managed to walk away from your narcissist, good for you! You’ve taken the single most powerful step you can take in controlling your own life instead of letting them do it.
The hardest part is over, but now you have to face the second hardest part. You have to heal. [Read: 58 life-changing secrets to get over a breakup & heal your broken heart]
1. Educate yourself about narcissism
The more you know about narcissism, the more you understand what’s been happening to you.
Hopefully, educating yourself and learning about gaslighting and manipulation will help you undo some of the tangles going on in your mind. It’ll help you straighten out what was real and what wasn’t, as well as what was right and what was wrong.
2. Foster new friendships
Create healthy relationships.
Get involved with productive groups doing things that you like to do. It could be yoga, a book club, or whatever you’re interested in. There, you can find people with similar interests and build new friendships.
This is an important part of undoing the isolation and rebuilding your confidence. [Read: How to be confident – life hacks to transform your future forever]
3. Lean into your support network
Having a support network is the most significant help. Whether it’s your family or a couple of close friends, knowing that they’re there and that your existence matters to them is huge.
Talk to them when you feel like you’re struggling. Let them refill your jug of self-worth. Let them help you figure out all the things you’re still confused about. Give them the opportunity to understand everything that you endured.
4. Journal for self-discovery
Journaling can be whatever you want it to be. [Read: 25 self-discovery questions to bring You closer to learning who you are]
You can journal the entirety of your day if you feel like it. If you don’t feel like it, you can just record the best part of your day or three things that you’re grateful for. You can write down affirmations and goals or make a point to learn something new every day and write about that.
You might not always have something to say, and that’s okay. Effort matters.
5. Press pause on romantic relationships
It’s smart to avoid jumping into a romantic relationship right away.
If the narcissist that you just got away from was a romantic partner, you probably have a lot of self-discovery to do before you allow yourself to become involved with someone else. You likely have a lot of confidence to recover before you’re able to enter a relationship that’s worthy of you.
6. Work with a therapist
Therapists are goldmines. [Read: 28 secrets to improve yourself & transform into your best self]
For every tactic that a narcissist has, a therapist has multiple tools to work against them. They can help you cope with everything that happened and teach you how to effectively and healthily heal from any damage that was done.
Knowing how to live with a narcissist sometimes means knowing when it’s time to leave. Use this feature to help you navigate the tricky waters and figure out what’s right for you.
The post 35 Crucial Must-Knows to Live with a Narcissist, Survive & Not Fall Apart is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.
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