Background Friend: What It Means, Signs & the BIG Benefits of Being One

Within every squad, there is a background friend. Someone who doesn’t seem to fit into the mold. Could this friend be the best one of them all?

If you have a large group of friends there are likely to be several personalities within it. Within that group, you probably have what we call the background friend.

There are many reasons why this particular person in the back might actually be the greatest friend you have within your group. They don’t have a particular allegiance to anyone. They’re happy with themselves and don’t pay much attention to gossip.

Sounds perfect! [Read: 36 traits a shallow person just can’t hide]

What is a background friend?

In every chick-flick, you see the background friend somewhere. Usually a girl, sometimes a boy, who doesn’t really fit in, they’re within the group and accepted as such, but only just. They’re always on the fringes, never really in the middle of the group, and certainly never the most popular.

The background friend might end up with the jobs that nobody else wants, e.g. going to the local shops or painting someone’s nails because they can’t be bothered to do it themselves.

Because of that, the background friend sits and observes. They develop their own opinions and views of what is going on. They’re actually morally correct.

Why? Because they’re not bothered about who they please or who they don’t please. They’re more concerned about simply being a good person.

Of course, you can also find a background friend who becomes so desperate to fit in that they attempt to do whatever they can to make someone smile.

This background friend is the one that doesn’t appear in chick flicks but in real life. This background friend is the bestest friend you should rely on – and in turn, allow them to rely on you. [Read: How to build good and lasting friendships]

Are you the background friend?

You’re probably reading this and comparing this feature to your friendship group to figure out who the background friend is. But what if you can’t figure out who it is… because the background friend is you.

What if you’re the background friend? How do you know if the background friend is you? Let’s take a look at the signs you can look for that suggest you play the role of the background friend in your friendship group.

1. You get invited to things, but not everything

It’s somebody in the group’s birthday, but the restaurant you’re all set to go to only sits five per table. There are six of you, so you’re the one who draws the short straw. The trouble is, this isn’t the first time your invite got ‘lost in the mail.’

When there’s a party, gathering, or other event, you’re usually invited – but if somebody has to get left out, it’s usually you. That only happens to the background friend.

2. You aren’t in a ‘group within the group’

Every squad has cliques within it: maybe two out of the five of you love makeup and fashion, and then there’s the duo who game like crazy online, and then there’s… you.

When the time comes to walk in pairs down a narrow street, you’re walking alone – every time. If you don’t have a group within a group to hang out with, and everybody else in your squad does, that could mean that you’re the background friend in the pack.

3. You struggle to feel truly comfortable

Somebody who’s the background friend in their friendship group will often feel as if they don’t fit in.

Do you worry about having nothing to add to the hangout? Do you feel anxious around your friends, even though you love and trust them? When you’re texting in the group chat, do you write ten versions of your message, perfecting it in case the unfiltered one you send weirds the squad out?

If you often feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole when you’re around your group of friends, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It usually just means that you’re the background friend.

[Read: Social anxiety vs. shyness – signs, differences & ways to overcome them]

How to cope with being the background friend

You’re probably thinking that a lot of the feelings we’ve associated with being the background friend aren’t that pleasant. It’s true, being the this person in a group can feel – a lot of the time – like a negative thing. But it doesn’t have to be.

Once you recognize that you’re the background friend, you can recognize your value as a background friend; you can make your friendship identity work for you. Popularity isn’t for everyone, and being constantly in demand usually turns out to be overwhelming and exhausting in the end!

A lot of the time, the background friend has that role because they either lack the confidence to push themselves forward or lack the strength to enjoy going it alone whenever they please. There are loads of ways to cope with *and even enjoy* being the background friend, so let’s take a look at them.

1. Be wary before going all-in with a new friendship

It’s true that being the background friend when you don’t want to be often comes from a lack of self-confidence. So, making a whole new set of friends and dumping the ones who seem to be pigeon-holing you as the background friend may look like a quick and easy way to a self-esteem boost, but it isn’t that simple.

Remember, you became friends with your squad for a reason. If you don’t like being the background friend, be more assertive with your friendship! Your squad wouldn’t have you around this long if they didn’t care for you. They might even be wondering why you hang back all the time.

If they still brush you off after you try to set your boundaries, then you can think about finding better friends. [Read: 15 signs you have shitty friends and need to get new ones]

2. Change your circumstances

The last point plays into this one, but it’s worth saying again; there’s nothing wrong with changing your circumstances if you aren’t happy with being the background friend. There’s no shame in looking for new friends, and there’s no shame in changing your relationship with the ones you have.

Once you’re aware that your worth is far more than what role you play in a squad, then why not try out every role there is? When you feel like you can do it, try being more outgoing, more mysterious, or outgoing enough to party like an animal.

If you feel like you want to make a change from being the background friend – be the change! [Read: Social anxiety to social butterfly – how to be less awkward]

3. Find stories to get lost in

If you’re struggling to cope with being the background friend, and you don’t feel that you’re in the right place to make a change in your circumstances, why not take inspiration from stories you can get lost in?

Plenty of films, literature, and even fairy stories focus on people who come to terms with being the background friend: for example, Jane Eyre, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, or The Catcher in the Rye.

Getting lost in these stories will not only make you feel better about your situation, but they may also help you to learn more about yourself.

[Read: Reinvent your life – must-read books to read in your 20s]

The hidden benefits of being the background friend

Don’t start to think that being the background friend is all bad!

As the stories you might choose to get lost in will show you, being the background friend has benefits that really outgoing and popular people miss out on. Most people who breeze easily to the forefront of every squad don’t get much time for introspection. They can become dependent on other people’s company and validation.

Background friends, on the other hand, usually become imaginative, independent, and thoughtful people because they have more personal space to work on themselves.

You might think being the background friend makes you just the window-dressing in somebody else’s shop window, an extra in somebody else’s movie, or an NPC in somebody else’s video game.

That’s far from the case. Being the friend on the outskirts of the group doesn’t mean you’re in the background of somebody else’s life – it means you’re the super-independent, self-aware protagonist of your own story!

Why you should embrace your background friend

They are sitting on the fringes, not really accepted as an integral part of the group, but why shouldn’t they be? They’re just the same as everyone else!

The fact that this person has probably been through quite a lot as part of the squad but not really being in it, means that they’re usually quite an empathetic and friendly person.

If you need someone in an emergency, your background friend will be there. If you want a shoulder to cry on, they’ll provide the tissues. They will give you advice, and they will usually be quite worldly, because they’ve spent so long on the fringes, looking in.

This friend deserves to be a central part of the group, but the likelihood is that after so long being on the outside, they’re not really bothered about it anymore! How great it is to not care what someone else thinks, to not try and impress the ring leader. [Read: The BFF code all good friends must follow]

A background friend is someone who doesn’t really fit the mold, but who wants to fit in anyway? Create your own mold and form closer friendships with those who have stuck by you.

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