Rides are fun, but if your relationship has you stuck on an emotional roller coaster, it might be time to get off the ride and leave them for good.
Emotions are essential to being human. They’re what separates us from the animals. Sometimes, we feel happy. But sometimes, we’re anxious, sad, or even depressed. It’s all part of the emotional roller coaster of life. But what if your relationship is nothing but ups and downs?
One day you feel like you’re on top of the world, and there’s nobody you’d rather be with. But then the next day, you’re crying because they’ve hurt you again. A relationship that has you stuck on an emotional roller coaster can be exciting… when it’s good. But if you’re sick of suffering through the lows, it might be time to step off.
This feature will explain what an emotional roller coaster is, and show you the signs of a tumultuous and toxic relationship to look for. If you find that your relationship has turned toxic, leaving you stuck on an emotional roller coaster, here’s how you can get off.
[Read: Toxic relationship: 107 signs that your love is going to hurt you]
What is an emotional roller coaster?
Everyone knows what a roller coaster is—a fun ride with a series of ups and downs, twists and turns, and loop-de-loops. They’re fun, at least they’re meant to be.
An emotional roller coaster is very similar, except they’re not as fun and innocent. They are actually, for lack of a better word, sucky.
A relationship that sets you on an emotional roller coaster is a relationship that feels intense, powerful, and overwhelming. When it’s on its way up, it’s exciting, but when it’s on its way down, it’s heartbreaking. It’s as much a source of pain as it is a source of pleasure.
[Read: 24 sad signs of an unhealthy relationship that ruin love forever]
Signs you’re in a toxic relationship and on an emotional roller coaster
When you feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster, you feel like you’re out of control. You get strapped in, and then you can’t leave. Even though it makes you feel horrible, scares you, and makes you feel continually insecure.
If you are in a relationship that makes you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, it isn’t only unhealthy; it rarely ends well.
Eventually, the ride must end—it just has to. At some point, one member of an emotionally turbulent roller-coaster relationship is going to wave the white flag and ask for the operator to stop so they can get off.
However, you can’t be sure that you’re moving along the tracks to disaster unless you know the signs. Here are the signs that your relationship has set you on an emotional roller coaster. [Read: 21 secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]
1. You love them and hate them at the same time
Roller coasters have extreme highs and lows. That is what makes them so exciting. When the highs and lows are emotional, however, it isn’t as much fun.
If you can experience passion to the degree that makes your toes tingle one minute, and hatred to the point of wanting to find a weapon the next, that is not a healthy relationship to be in. If you can’t ever just be okay, then it may be time to get off.
2. You feel insecure
Sometimes, you feel like you are right where you belong, and they are the best thing in your life. Yet other times, you find yourself looking through their phone to find out who they really are.
If this sounds familiar, your relationship can be best compared to an emotional roller coaster. There is something about your relationship—or their behavior—that is causing your insecurity to thrive.
That’s not only hard on you emotionally, but physically. You can’t live in a constant state of instability. If you never feel secure from one day to the next, then it may be time to end the relationship. [Read: 42 red flags and signs it’s time to end your relationship and move on for good]
3. You feel more empty than fulfilled
Sometimes we are attracted to people who aren’t good for us. If you are a people pleaser, or someone who relies on affirmation from their partner to feel fulfilled, being with someone who runs hot and cold can tear you up.
If you only feel full and satiated when they give you attention, then you will forever and perpetually be on an emotional roller coaster. Some people just aren’t capable of being consistent.
You have to have faith in yourself and remember that your relationship should be about unconditional love.
If you feel loved only when they want you to *or when they pay attention to you*, it can make you feel like you are on a roller coaster of ups and downs.
4. They’re constantly changing
If you are with someone who makes you feel like Cinderella one minute, but the ugly sister the next, then you need to think of leaving.
Sometimes, they make you feel special. But then when another beauty walks by, it will be like like you never existed; that shows you will never feel like you are their priority or number one.
Over time, this will end up making you feel confused about where you stand. If they make you feel beautiful and ugly at will, then it is time to leave the amusement park behind. There is nothing amusing about it.
[Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
5. You’re building a future, but they won’t commit
One day you’re working on your future, and then the next they are upset and asking you to leave. These constant ups and downs are especially painful, as they make it impossible for you to move forward with your life. How can you prepare for the future if they keep changing the plan?
Some people use manipulation to get the best of people. They use the pushes and pulls to keep you in line.
If they are telling you that your future is bright one minute, but that they want you to leave the next, it may be time to cash in your tickets and spend your time elsewhere.
6. You’re full of self-doubt
There are times when an emotional roller coaster has nothing to do with the relationship you are in, but rather your past experiences.
If the relationship’s ups and downs keep bringing up traumatic memories, then you’re on a toxic ride. Not knowing where you are in love will bring out all your deepest insecurities, and sometimes takes your mind back to painful places.
We’re not saying that it is easy to let go, but it’s essential for your mental health. If your relationship only fills you with self-doubt, then it’s not a healthy relationship. [Read: 27 signs of emotional manipulation to know if you’re being used by someone]
7. You’re never sure if they love you
If one day you think you’re hearing wedding bells and they tell you that you are their number one, but the next, they’re putting on the brakes to slow things down, it can be very confusing.
Not having a plan for the future and constantly looking for signs about where your relationship is headed is the biggest sign you’re on an emotional roller coaster.
Someone who can’t decide if they are ready to commit is not a good long-term partner. The longer you stay with that person, the more insecure you’ll feel.
It might even make it harder to trust people in the future. So, if your partner never gives you unconditional love, it’s a sign you need to call it quits.
How will an emotional roller coaster affect you?
Roller coasters are fun, but only when you have paid the ticket and stood in line to purposely get on one. If you feel like you are being dragged onto the ride, it is exhausting.
[Read: 73 red flag narcissism signs and the traits of a narcissist to read them like a book]
The whirlwind of emotions you’ll go through can leave you drained. The things in a relationship that usually would bring you joy—planning for the future, sharing your emotions, feeling desired—instead become a source of pain.
This can make you feel exhausted with relationships, and hesitant about getting into another one.
It can scar your perception of love, yourself, and what you deserve. It can wreck your mental health. In short, a toxic relationship that sits you in the front of an emotional roller coaster can ruin you.
How does an emotional roller coaster relationship develop?
When you’re in any relationship, there are hundreds of chemicals flooding through your brain, which affect the way you feel.
Some of these chemicals make us feel happy and secure—when your partner hugs you, for example. However, they can also make you feel anxious and unhappy.
[Read: Emotional damage – how people get that way, 26 signs and how to heal from it]
All of these chemical signals are related to things we feel now, and things we’ve felt in the past. If you’ve been through different things—or are going through them now—you’ll have different emotional responses to certain situations. For example, you’ll be furious when your partner does something you see as “wrong” if you have anger issues.
These underlying issues are what cause emotional roller-coaster relationships to develop. People who have problems within themselves will act them out on those closest to them, such as their partner. This makes their behavior difficult, erratic, and even toxic.
Either you or your partner has some underlying issues, which you both need to work out. Even if you’re okay on your own, you’re triggered by being together. Something about your connection creates fireworks, which could either explode into a thrilling display or get you both badly burned.
Causes of an emotional roller coaster relationship
So, what are the underlying issues causing your roller coaster relationship? If you understand the causes, you can understand how you got into your emotional roller coaster relationship and how to get out.
[Read: Am I toxic? How to tell if you’re the toxic one and not everyone else]
1. Developmental stages
There are certain developmental stages in our lives where we’re less able to cope with the ups and downs of love. It’s easy to get into an emotional rollercoaster relationship at any age, but it’s much more likely to happen to teens. So, if you’re very young, that could be a cause.
Teenagers are maturing very fast, but their brains aren’t fully developed enough to handle a stable relationship. The ‘regulating’ area of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, is still developing, so they find it much harder to control their emotions. This, combined with their hormones and lack of experience, makes teen relationships very volatile.
2. Hormones
Hormones aren’t just for teenagers! There are many other cases where hormones could be causing your relationship to feel like an emotional rollercoaster. They massively affect the way we function emotionally, so they’re guaranteed to make you more temperamental if they’re not properly balanced.
[Read: Chemistry of love: how hormones make you feel the way you do]
Some women struggle with major hormonal imbalances around their periods, known as PMS. Those heightened hormone levels are what make women more sensitive at certain times of the month. Menopause can also cause you to become more emotional, too, and even cause changes in your personality.
However, it’s not just women who can have emotional issues from hormones. Some men can get more emotional as they age, becoming most unstable in their 40s and 50s. This “male menopause” could also make your relationship more of a roller coaster if you’re an older man.
3. Relationship trauma
Everybody’s had bad breakups. However, if a breakup is especially painful, it can cause lasting trauma that affects your future relationships. For example, if you’ve been cheated on, you might find it much harder to trust, which can make you suspicious of your partner. This past trauma will make it much harder for your relationships to function normally.
Even a bad relationship itself can cause trauma. If you were with someone who always used to criticize you, you might act that out in your new relationship by picking at your new partner. In short, bad experiences in the past can cause relationships to feel like an emotional roller coaster in the future.
[Read: The psychological facts about relationships everyone should know]
4. Mental illness
There are a number of mental illnesses that can make being with somebody feel like sitting on a roller coaster. These include depression, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. [Read: Why we need to break down the stigma of mental illness]
Depression isn’t just feeling sad; it’s a medical condition that stops sufferers from feeling happiness. Depressed people can have extreme lows that massively change the dynamics of a relationship.
Bipolar disorder causes people to feel huge ups and downs. People with bipolar will have times when they’re manically energetic and upbeat, but also extremely impulsive and irresponsible. They’ll also have times when they feel depressed, even suicidal. Dealing with their highs and lows is guaranteed to be a roller coaster.
Lastly, borderline personality disorder can make somebody an unstable partner. It impacts people’s ability to regulate their emotions, so it causes the crazy highs and lows you’d expect in an emotional roller coaster relationship.
If you or your partner have symptoms of a mental illness, make sure you seek professional help.
5. Lifestyle factors
Sometimes, it’s just that your lifestyles aren’t compatible. We don’t mean that you work different hours or you live far apart, we mean that being together puts stresses or strains on your body that affect your behavior. Even something as small as stress or lack of sleep can change everything.
Body image issues or diet problems can affect your mood, and make you less able to control your emotions.
If you’re eating badly, gaining or losing weight, it can have a huge influence on the way your body functions. Plus, changes in your body can make you feel bad about yourself, which might make you act out toward your partner.
Also, lack of sleep and high stress can cause you to be more emotional. High stress floods your body with fight-or-flight hormones, making you lash out at those around you. Similarly, lack of sleep shortens your temper and makes you more likely to cry, break down, or even fly into a rage at the slightest thing.
[Read: Emotionally stable – how to find your zone of perfect calmness]
6. Substance abuse
Substance abuse changes people’s personalities. Someone you know as sweet, kind, and loving can become violent and deceitful when they’re under the influence.
The differences between your partner’s personality when they’re high, and their personality when they’re sober, can make you feel like you’re dating two separate people.
Also, addicts often lie to conceal their using to avoid being judged. The web of lies they build can make you feel betrayed, and undermine your trust. This constant chain of dramas, breakups, makeups, and lies is the definition of an emotional roller-coaster relationship.
Managing an emotional roller coaster relationship
If you’re here reading this feature, then you’re not actually happy in this relationship. So, you have to figure out for yourself how much more you can handle. Is this really what you want from your life? Or, is there another type of relationship that would make you feel more fulfilled?
Because once a relationship becomes so toxic that it jumps between extremes of really high highs and pit-sinking low lows, there’s really no going back. There are some real issues within this relationship, be they infidelity, trust issues, breaches of privacy, or anything else that always returns to sour the good moments.
So no, there’s not really any “managing” of a toxic, roller-coaster relationship. All you can do is manage how much it hurts you and how long you stay in it. [Read: Love-hate relationship – what it is, the big signs, types, and how to overcome it]
How to end an emotional roller coaster relationship
Ending an emotional roller coaster relationship can be tricky. On one hand, it can be tempting to confront your partner about their behavior. Yet creating a confrontation might just make their behavior even more unstable.
But when it comes to managing an emotional roller coaster that’s making your life hell, there’s only one option. If your relationship has become toxic, it’s time to let your partner know that there is nothing amusing about what you are doing together. The only way to stop this nightmare ride is to step off alone.
[Read: 59 signs it’s time to break up and give up instead of trying to fix a relationship]
Gently let your partner know that things aren’t working out for you, and you want to part ways. However, you shouldn’t attempt a normal breakup if you think your partner might be abusive, as that might put you at risk. If your partner is controlling, violent, or mentally ill, speak to a professional *such as a therapist* or a trusted third party before you go about breaking up. They’ll be able to help you do it safely.
Just because you’re in an emotional roller coaster relationship, doesn’t mean you’re stuck—there is only an imaginary strap holding you in. So, unstrap yourself, get off that emotional roller coaster, and set your feet on solid ground again.
The post Emotional Roller Coaster: The Signs, Causes & Ways to End this Relationship is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.
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