Trauma Bonding: What it Is, 35 Signs to Unmask It & Secrets to Escape Its Grip

Wondering what is Trauma bonding? Here are the signs and must-knows to escape this toxic emotional tie of inconsistent positive-negative reinforcement!

The term ‘trauma bonding’ might sound complex and intimidating, but with a pinch of understanding, we can simplify it and make it a lot easier to understand. And most importantly, handle it, deal with it, and get out of it without carrying around a burden that lasts a lifetime!

[Read: Emotional attachment – How it works and 34 signs you’re getting attached and close to someone]

Trauma Bonding – What It Is and Why It’s a Bond of the Unexpected

Ever imagine being out in the ocean? Picture yourself as a tiny boat, bobbing along the vast, seemingly infinite expanse of sea. The sun’s shining brightly, and the gentle waves are lapping against your sides. Life is good.

Suddenly, the sky darkens, the winds pick up, and before you know it, you’re caught in a massive storm. The waves are no longer gentle; they’re ferocious, threatening to capsize you. You feel small, fragile, and utterly powerless against the wrath of nature. You’re lost and scared, feeling more alone than you’ve ever been.

Out of nowhere, a giant octopus emerges from the depths.

It reaches out with a massive tentacle and stills your rocking, securing you against the storm. Relief washes over you. You’re no longer alone; you’re saved!

But wait, the octopus doesn’t set you back on the path to the safety of the shore. Instead, it takes you further out, deeper into the ocean. It’s no longer a rescue; it’s a capture.

This bizarre marine adventure mirrors a psychological phenomenon known as trauma bonding.

It’s like being saved from a storm, only to find that your savior is also your captor. It’s a deep emotional attachment to someone who hurts you, yet also provides occasional relief or reward, creating a confusing mix of fear, dependency, and affection!

Now that you have an understanding of how trauma bonds work, let’s navigate these tricky waters together, understanding how this bond forms, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to cut loose from the octopus’s grip. [Read: When people hurt you – How to deal with the pain and respond to them]

Trauma Bonding 101 – From the Analogy of Octopuses to Humans

To understand trauma bonding, let’s transport ourselves from the deep sea to a bustling amusement park.

Imagine this: there’s a colossal roller coaster right in the center. It’s notorious for being wild, unpredictable, and quite frankly, a little scary.

Yet, you find yourself drawn to it. You ride it once, then twice, then thrice. And even though it sends your stomach churning each time, you keep going back for more.

This roller coaster – with its dizzying highs and terrifying lows – is a metaphor for trauma bonding. It’s an intense emotional connection that keeps you chained to someone, despite the harm they inflict on you.

Just like the roller coaster ride, it’s a cycle of ups and downs, with moments of respite and happiness punctuating periods of stress, harm, or abuse.

And you may wonder, why would anyone keep buying tickets to a roller coaster that’s a recipe for nausea?

Well, it’s because of a sneaky psychological trick called intermittent reinforcement we’ll talk about below. In the context of trauma bonding, this means that the person causing harm isn’t always hurtful. Sometimes, they might be loving, attentive, or kind.

And these brief periods of positivity become the ‘highs’ of the roller coaster, the moments you cling to amidst all the turmoil. [Read: Blowing hot and cold – Why they do this, the stages and how to handle them]

That’s the crux of trauma bonding. It’s a psychological tug-of-war, pulling you between the wish to escape the harm and the longing for the moments of affection.

But, don’t worry. Just like every roller coaster, this ride can come to an end, too. And together, we’ll figure out how to hit the emergency stop button and step off safely.

Unveiling Trauma Bonding Through the Lens of Psychology

To truly grasp the concept of trauma bonding, let’s take a moment to understand it through the veil of Intermittent Reinforcement and Stockholm Syndrome.

At its core, trauma bonding is a complex form of attachment, like a convoluted knot that’s hard to untangle. It often occurs in relationships marked by cycles of abuse, followed by intermittent periods of kindness or affection.

Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding

In psychological parlance, this is called ‘intermittent reinforcement‘ as we just mentioned above. And what makes it so scary is the potent psychological mechanism, a sort of mind trick that glues people to abusive partners!

Think of it this way – imagine you have a magical box that dispenses your favorite candy, but not every time you open it. You open it once, twice, thrice – nothing. But just when you’re about to give up, the fourth time, it rewards you with a sweet treat.

Suddenly, all the previous disappointments fade away. That’s intermittent reinforcement – and it’s also the secret to why slot machines are so addictive! [Read: Is he using me? 23 signs you’re being used by a man who doesn’t care about you]

Now, apply this to a relationship.

One moment, you might face harsh words, neglect, or even violence. But then, in the next moment, you might receive affection, praise, or gifts.

This constant back-and-forth creates a powerful, addictive cycle, tying the person experiencing the abuse even more closely to their abuser. It’s like your brain keeps telling you, “Yes, it’s bad now, but remember how good it can be? Maybe if you just hold on a little longer, the good times will come back…”

Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding

So, where does Stockholm Syndrome fit into all of this? Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological response where hostages or abuse victims develop an emotional connection with their captors.

It was named after a bank robbery in Stockholm where hostages defended their captors after being released. It’s like getting a weird crush on the villain in a movie – except this isn’t fiction, it’s a psychological survival strategy. [Read: 52 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships and the must-know steps to get out]

Neurotransmitters and Bonds

And now, the main secret: neurotransmitters!

Oxytocin and dopamine, our brain’s superstar molecules, play key roles in trauma bonding. Oxytocin, often dubbed the ‘love hormone’, creates feelings of trust and emotional bonding. It’s like the glue that binds us to other people.

Meanwhile, dopamine, the ‘reward hormone’, gives us a hit of pleasure when we experience positive things. [Read: What is dopamine? The dopest pleasure pill inside you!]

In a trauma bond, the oxytocin helps us bond with the abuser, while the dopamine makes the ‘good times’ feel even better, creating a powerful cocktail of emotions that can be hard to resist. [Read: The chemistry of love and why love makes you feel the way you do]

And that’s how trauma bonds work and grip you more tightly! But remember, understanding these concepts isn’t just about fancy terms or brain chemistry – it’s about gaining the knowledge to break free from the roller coaster ride of trauma bonding.

How to Identify the Tentacles and Signs You’re Stuck in a Trauma Bond

If you’ve ever found yourself more loyal to a toxic friend than to your favorite pair of worn-out jeans, chances are you might be dealing with a trauma bond. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves!

Here are some of the biggest signs you might be in the grip of the octopus *or a traumatic bond, if we want to be clinically correct about it*.

1. Feeling Trapped

If you’re often feeling like a hamster on a wheel – running fast but going nowhere – it might be a sign of trauma bonding. You want to leave, but you feel stuck, almost as if invisible chains are holding you back.

2. Self-blame

Imagine dropping your favorite ice cream cone because a seagull swooped down at you. Would you blame yourself for it?

If you’re in a trauma bond, you just might. People in trauma bonds often blame themselves for the harmful actions of others. [Read: Guilty conscience – What it is and 21 emotional signs of guilt people feel]

3. Inability to Detach

Picture this – you’re at a party, and there’s a super spicy salsa dip. It burns your mouth like a forest fire, but you keep going back for more.

In the same way, people in trauma bonds find it hard to detach from the person, even after harmful incidents.

4. Unhealthy Loyalty

Loyalty can be as beautiful as a sunset, but not when it’s directed towards someone who’s causing you harm.

If you’re more committed to a toxic partner than you are to your well-being, it’s a strong sign of a trauma bond. [Read: Broken bird syndrome – 26 signs you love saving others and how to hold back]

5. Mixed Emotions

Ever felt like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster without any safety bars? In a trauma bond, emotions can fluctuate wildly, from fear to love, anger to forgiveness, all in the span of moments.

6. Justifying Harmful Actions

Imagine a friend scribbles all over your favorite book. Instead of getting mad, you say, “Well, they’re just expressing their creativity.” If you’re justifying harmful actions like these, you might be in a trauma bond.

7. Chronic Anxiety and Stress

If you constantly feel like a cat on a hot tin roof around your partner or friend, it could indicate a trauma bond.

Chronic anxiety or stress in a relationship is like a blaring car alarm—it’s the brain’s way of telling us that something isn’t right. [Read: Relationship anxiety – What it is, 44 signs, feelings and ways to get over it]

8. Obsession over the Relationship

Like that time you couldn’t stop thinking about the season finale of your favorite show? Except in this case, you’re incessantly preoccupied with the relationship.

This is a psychological response often linked to trauma bonds. It’s the brain’s way of trying to ‘solve’ the problem of the abusive behavior, keeping you constantly engaged. [Read: Obsessive love disorder – What causes it, 21 signs and ways to get over it]

9. Ignoring Advice from Others

Remember that one time when you ignored your GPS saying, “In 200 meters, turn left,” only to find yourself in a never-ending loop of right turns?

Similarly, if you find yourself repeatedly ignoring the advice of close friends or family about the relationship, it could be a sign of a trauma bond.

10. Cognitive Dissonance

Here’s a biggie. Cognitive dissonance occurs when our actions don’t align with our beliefs or values.

In the context of trauma bonding, victims often love and care for their abuser, even though they understand that the person is causing them harm. It’s like enjoying a cake even when you know it’s made of broccoli. *no offense to broccoli lovers!* [Read: 105 most common gaslighting phrases, techniques and signs to recognize them]

11. Lingering Hope of Change

If you’ve ever found yourself watching a terrible movie till the end, hoping it’ll get better, you’d know about lingering hope.

In a trauma bond, you might hold on to the belief that the person causing the harm will change, despite abundant evidence to the contrary.

If you see these signs of a trauma bond, it might feel like you’re caught in a tempest, but don’t forget – even the fiercest storms pass.

It’s not about blaming or feeling bad about oneself. It’s about taking the first step towards understanding and healing. As always, remember, we’re in this together. There’s always hope, and there’s always help. [Read: Walking on eggshells in your relationship? 18 signs and ways to overcome it]

Being in a trauma bond doesn’t mean you’re weak or foolish. It means you’re human, and like all humans, you’re capable of change and growth.

So, if any of these signs strike a chord, don’t lose hope. We’re about to embark on the first stage of our journey – breaking free from the octopus’s grip.

Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds and Detangling from the Tentacles

Okay, so you’re tangled up with an octopus. But remember this – the octopus might be strong, but you, my friend, are the whole ocean.

Navigating your way out of a trauma bond might be challenging, but it’s far from impossible. Here are some practical, psychologically-backed steps you can take to break free.

1. Reach out to Professionals

We’re starting with a big one here. There’s no shame in seeking professional help – in fact, it can be one of the most powerful steps you can take.

Psychologists, therapists, and counselors have the tools and knowledge to guide you through the process of healing. Think of them as your personal team of underwater explorers, ready to help you navigate your way back to the surface. [Read: Emotional baggage – What it is, types, causes, 27 signs and ways to put it down]

2. Practice Self-Care

Breaking a trauma bond can feel like running a marathon on an empty stomach. This is where self-care comes in.

We’re talking about good nutrition, regular exercise, quality sleep, and activities that bring you joy. Essentially, anything that makes you feel like you’re not just surviving, but thriving. [Read: YOLO – What it means and 23 secrets to live life like you only live once]

3. Establish Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is like setting up a “No Octopuses Allowed” sign. It might seem tough at first, but it’s vital for your well-being.

A good place to start is by determining what behaviors you will and will not tolerate from others. [Read: 23 secrets to set personal boundaries and guide others to respect them]

4. Support Networks

If the octopus is pulling you down, your support network is the team of friendly dolphins ready to buoy you back up.

Friends, family, support groups – these are the people who remind you that you’re not alone. They provide empathy, understanding, and encouragement when you need it the most.

5. Education

Understand your foe to defeat your foe. Learn more about trauma bonding, read about others’ experiences, and familiarize yourself with strategies for healing.

Knowledge is a powerful ally in breaking free from the octopus’s grip.

6. Self-Reflection and Mindfulness

Being mindful can help you recognize when you’re slipping into old patterns. Regular self-reflection, through techniques like journaling or meditation, can provide valuable insights into your feelings and behaviors. [Read: Overcoming self-doubt – 26 signs and best ways to stop doubting yourself]

7. Be Patient with Yourself

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is the process of breaking free from a trauma bond. It’s okay to have setbacks. Remember, healing isn’t a linear process. It’s about progress, not perfection.

8. Therapeutic Interventions

Evidence-based therapeutic approaches like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be incredibly helpful. They’re like your psychological toolbox, helping you dismantle the bond piece by piece.

9. Trauma-Informed Yoga or Meditation

Yes, you read that right. Trauma can leave a mark not only on our minds but on our bodies as well.

Practices like trauma-informed yoga or meditation can help you reconnect with your body, fostering a sense of safety and stability. It’s like a mini-vacation for your nervous system.

10. Maintain No Contact

If safe and possible, cutting off contact with the person can be a crucial step. It’s like refusing to play a rigged game – it allows you to step back, heal, and regain your strength. [Read: No contact rule – What it is, how to use it and why it works so well]

11. Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are like your personal cheerleading squad, reminding you of your worth and strength.

Regularly repeating phrases like, “I deserve respect and kindness,” or “I am stronger than my past experiences,” can help reinforce positive beliefs about yourself. [Read: Words of affirmation – How to use it, 56 signs, tips and examples to say it right]

12. Rebuild Self-Identity

Trauma bonds can sometimes cause a loss of self-identity. Engaging in activities you love, setting personal goals, and embracing self-expression can help you rediscover who you are beyond the trauma bond.

It’s like re-reading your favorite book – you might find parts of yourself you forgot were there!

Remember, these steps are not a one-size-fits-all solution, and different strategies work for different people. As always, it’s important to seek professional guidance when navigating the complex journey of breaking free from trauma bonds.

Prevention and Your Lifeboat in the Storm

Life can sometimes feel like sailing through a storm, but remember, it’s always easier to steer clear of the octopus when you have a sturdy lifeboat.

So, how do you build this lifeboat? Here are some strategies to prevent trauma bonding.

1. Understand Your Worth

You are priceless, my friend. And no, that’s not just sweet talk – that’s psychology! A strong sense of self-worth can act like a protective shield against trauma bonding.

Cultivate self-love and self-respect, and always remember that you deserve kindness, respect, and genuine love. [Read: 55 secrets and self-love habits to build confidence and realize your worth]

2. Learn About Healthy Relationships

Ever tried assembling a piece of IKEA furniture without the instruction manual? It can be a nightmare!

Similarly, knowing what a healthy relationship looks like can help you recognize when a relationship is off-track.

Open communication, mutual respect, healthy boundaries – these are the building blocks of a strong, healthy relationship. [Read: 38 signs and traits of a happy relationship and what it should look like]

3. Strengthen Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is like your personal weather station, helping you navigate the storms of life.

It helps you understand, use, and manage your emotions in a positive way, and empowers you to empathize with others and build stronger relationships.

4. Cultivate Resilience

Life is full of ups and downs, but resilience can help us bounce back from the lows.

Techniques such as mindfulness, positive thinking, and stress management can help build resilience and prevent the formation of trauma bonds. [Read: 33 emotional needs in a relationship, signs it’s unmet and how to meet them all]

5. Build a Support Network

They say it takes a village to raise a child – well, it also takes a village to navigate through life’s challenges.

Surround yourself with positive, supportive individuals who can offer advice, lend an ear, or simply share a laugh when you need it.

6. Trust Your Instincts

Ever had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right? That’s your intuition, and it’s a powerful tool.

If something feels off in a relationship, it’s okay to take a step back and reassess. Your gut is like your onboard navigation system – trust it. [Read: Gut instinct – What it is, how it works and 30 tips to follow and listen to it]

7. Understanding Attachment Styles

Attachment theory, straight from the annals of psychology, explains how we form bonds with others. By understanding your own attachment style *whether secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized*, you can be aware of your vulnerabilities and strengths in forming relationships.

Think of it as getting to know the quirks of your own personal sailboat before you hit the high seas.

8. Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness involves paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the present moment without judgment.

This can help us become more aware of our reactions to others and can keep us from getting swept up in an unhealthy bond. It’s like having a sharp-eyed lookout in the crow’s nest of your ship, watching out for rogue waves *or octopuses!*.

9. Regular Self-Reflection

Regular check-ins with yourself, like journaling or introspective walks, can help you recognize patterns, understand your emotions, and stay connected to your inner self.

It’s like keeping a captain’s log on your journey, helping you navigate your emotional seas with wisdom and understanding. [Read: Plutchik’s wheel of emotions – How to learn to read and decode your emotions]

10. Psychoeducation

Education is a powerful tool. By learning more about manipulation, control tactics, and the nature of abusive relationships, you can spot potential red flags early on.

Think of it like studying the sea creatures of the deep before your voyage – the more you know, the better prepared you are. [Read: Psychological manipulation – How it works, 37 tactics, signs and ways to deal with it]

11. Practice Assertiveness

Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts, needs, and feelings in a respectful manner.

It can help ensure that your boundaries are respected in your relationships. It’s like knowing how to command your ship effectively. [Read: 17 confident ways to be more assertive, and speak your mind loud and clear]

12. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Everyone experiences stress and adversity. Developing healthy ways to cope, such as physical activity, creative outlets, or talking to a trusted friend, can help you manage challenging times without falling into unhealthy relationship patterns.

Remember, building your lifeboat won’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. The important thing is to keep adding planks, one day at a time. [Read: How to stop feeling hopeless and overwhelmed, and see hope again]

Navigating the Seas of Relationships and Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonding, like an octopus in disguise, can seem friendly and protective, but it holds you back from reaching the surface where you can truly breathe. But remember, being caught in this tangle doesn’t make you weak – acknowledging it is a testament to your strength.

And breaking free? Well, that’s a feat worthy of a sea shanty or two!

No one deserves to be stuck with an octopus under the sea, and there’s no shame in seeking a helping hand to reach the surface. Like life preservers in the ocean, therapists, counselors, and support groups are there to help you when the waves get choppy.

And hey, we all deserve relationships that are as healthy and nourishing as a seaweed smoothie *okay, maybe something tastier – but you get the point!*.

Remember, true love isn’t about stormy seas and roller coaster rides. It’s about mutual respect, care, understanding, and, yes, smooth sailing too. [Read: 50 secrets and early signs of a good relationship that’ll make a great one]

As we anchor this ship, we leave you with this – navigating the seas of relationships can be tough, but you’re tougher. You’re the captain of your ship, and you’ve got the tools to steer clear of those overly friendly octopuses and trauma bonds.

[Read: 34 life-changing steps to fall in love with yourself all over again]

Trust your instincts, value your worth, and don’t forget your lifeboat. The ocean is vast and full of adventure, and no octopus can keep you down for long. With the right tools and support, you can break free and reclaim your life from any trauma bond.

The post Trauma Bonding: What it Is, 35 Signs to Unmask It & Secrets to Escape Its Grip is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.