Enmeshed Relationship: 66 Enmeshment Signs in Couples & Ways to Heal in Love

It’s very important to have people that you are emotionally connected to. But for some people, enmeshed relationships might not be so healthy.

Are you in an enmeshed relationship? You might be, but you might not even be aware of it. Or maybe you aren’t, but you know people who are. There are a lot of people who have these kinds of relationships, but don’t really know how they work.

But first, let’s define what an enmeshed relationship actually is.

The meaning of an enmeshed relationship 

When two or more people are in a relationship where they lack personal boundaries, or their boundaries are permeable or unclear, then they are in an enmeshed relationship. 

It frequently happens when two people can “feel” each other’s emotions and are overly connected to each other. It’s almost like they have too much empathy for each other.

For example, if a child is anxious and depressed and one of their parents *or both* gets anxious and depressed too, then they are enmeshed. The parent isn’t able to separate their emotions from their child’s emotions. [Read: Why am I codependent? 37 reasons and signs you overstep boundaries in love]

When a parent and a child are enmeshed, they have too much involvement in each other’s lives. As a result, it’s difficult for the child to become emotionally and developmentally independent and responsible for their own choices.

Enmeshed relationships can occur between:

1. Parents and children

2. Romantic partners

3. Siblings

While it’s healthy to have close relationships with others, it’s not healthy to have them so enmeshed that you can’t enforce your personal boundaries. [Read: 23 Needy signs and ways to stop being too available for your partner]

Signs of enmeshment in couples

One of the kinds of relationships that can have enmeshment is between romantic partners. Let’s take a look at some of the signs of enmeshment in couples.

1. Setting aside your own needs

In healthy relationships, there should be a healthy balance between being selfless and “selfish.” And by “selfish,” we mean just having needs and making sure they are met by your partner. 

So, if one or both people are being people pleasers or doormats, then they are setting aside their own needs to benefit their partner – and only their partner. [Read: Stand up for yourself – why it’s hard and steps to get what you want and deserve]

2. Difficulties connecting with your emotions

In enmeshed relationships, sometimes your partner’s emotions are the only thing you are tuned into.

As a result, you might have a problem connecting with your own emotions. It’s like you become your partner and don’t examine yourself and your own emotional health.

3. Conflict avoidance

No one likes to have conflict in a relationship. But it’s inevitable when two people are partnered up. But that doesn’t mean it has to be bad or destructive. In an enmeshed relationship, people tend to avoid conflict, but that’s not healthy.

4. Your partner’s interests become your interests

If you’re in an enmeshed relationship, then you tend to become a “chameleon.” In other words, your partner’s interests become your own. [Read: Bored in a relationship – 78 signs, reasons, and ways to make it fun ASAP]

For example, you might not have liked sports before you met your significant other, but now you find yourself watching any sport with them because you’ve made it an interest of yours too.

5. People-pleasing tendencies

It’s wonderful to want to make people happy. There should be more people in the world like that. However, when your behavior turns into people-pleasing, then you can get taken advantage of people.

People pleasers don’t pay attention to their own needs because they are too busy meeting other people’s needs. [Read: People-pleaser – 21 signs you’re one and how to stop people pleasing]

6. Can’t make decisions on your own

Because you are too connected to your partner, you have lost all sense of independence and individuality.

So, when it comes to decision-making, you can’t seem to figure anything out on your own. Instead, you always have to have their input before you do anything.

7. Confused sense of identity

As we just said, you can lose your sense of independence, individuality, and eventually your whole identity.

Your identity becomes your partner’s identity. You no longer have any interests of your own, and you slowly forget who you really are as a person.

8. No alone time

Sure, it’s great to be able to spend a lot of quality time with your partner, but sometimes there is too much together time. [Read: Alone time – why you need it, how it helps, and how to make the most of it]

If you feel like you’re joined at the hip and never have any time by yourself, then you could probably be in an enmeshed relationship. 

9. Overstepping personal privacy and space

It’s normal and natural for people to have personal privacy and their own space in a relationship. 

So, if you find that you do things like go to the bathroom in front of them, that might be a little too close. People still need their own privacy and personal space even when they’re in a relationship. [Read: How to know when to give someone space – 19 signs they’re sick of you]

10. Tendency to seek validation from the other person

Because you might have lost your sense of individuality and identity, you might have to seek validation from your partner. 

You can’t look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re attractive or look at your accomplishments and be proud of yourself. You have to wait for your partner to build you up because you can’t do it by yourself.

11. Isolation from other people

Because you spend so much time together – like 24/7 – you tend to be isolated from other people. You might not see family or friends very often since you’ve been in this relationship. [Read: 41 Honest reasons why you have no friends that care and steps to fix it ASAP]

Whether it’s by choice or because your partner won’t allow it, either way, it’s not healthy, and it’s a sign of an enmeshed relationship.

12. Poor communication 

People in enmeshed relationships also have poor communication skills.

For example, if you won’t communicate your wants and needs to your partner, then you have a problem. Everyone has wants and needs and deserves to have them met by other people, especially their partner.

13. Excessive guilt and anxiety over personal choices

Because you are too selfless and a people pleaser, you can’t really make personal choices very well. [Read: Guilt complex – what it is, why we feel it, and 39 signs and ways to get over it]

If you ever do anything for yourself that makes you happy, you tend to have guilt and anxiety. You think that you should only be pleasing your partner and not yourself.

14. Fear of abandonment

No one wants to be abandoned or left by anyone. But if your fear of abandonment is crippling for you, then you could be in an enmeshed relationship.

You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and be happy to be alone if you need to be. So, having a fear of this is not healthy.

15. A need to rescue 

This is referred to as a “hero complex.” If you feel the need to save your partner and jump in as soon as the other person needs you, then you are probably in an enmeshed relationship. 

Both of you should be able to take care of themselves, so when you try to rescue them, they can’t learn to rescue themselves. [Read: Hero complex – What it means, the psychology and 39 signs of ‘save the day’ syndrome]

16. Control

An enmeshed person might try to control their partner’s preferences, behavior, and habits. They do this because they feel so connected and they don’t want their partner to leave them. And they think this controlling behavior will prevent it from happening.

17. Lack of personal boundaries

Everyone should have personal boundaries out of respect for themselves. You should be able to tell your partner “no” if you think that they are doing something wrong. [Read: 23 Secrets to set personal boundaries and guide others to respect them]

So, if you let them walk all over you and take advantage of you, then you don’t have personal boundaries and are probably in an enmeshed relationship.

18. Overly involved in each other’s lives

As we’ve said before, in a healthy relationship, each person has a sense of independence and individuality. And while it’s healthy to talk and connect, if you are overly involved in your partner’s life, then that is a sign of an enmeshed relationship too. [Read: Broken bird syndrome – 26 signs you love saving others and how to hold back]

19. Difficulty in forming relationships outside the enmeshed unit

Sometimes, the boundaries of a relationship are way too tight. In other words, if one or both people don’t have any other close relationships besides the one they have with their partner, then they are too enmeshed. [Read: 34 Secrets to be more social and connect with people if you have no social life]

And moreover, if they have difficulty forming other relationships, then the relationship they are in has damaged their social skills way too much.

20. Difficulty differentiating own feelings from the other’s

As we mentioned in the definition of enmeshed relationships, sometimes people have a difficult time figuring out whether what they are feeling are their own emotions or the other’s. 

The emotions in the relationship just sort of blend together and you can’t sort out where yours begins and the other’s ends. [Read: Empathy fatigue – the guilt-free guide to recognize it and overcome it]

21. Shared responsibility for each other’s mistakes

Usually, when people make mistakes, it’s because it was something they did all on their own. But if you are taking responsibility for your partner’s mistakes *and vice versa*, then that’s a sign of an enmeshed relationship.

So, you shouldn’t blame yourself when your partner does something wrong unless you actually had some part in making it happen.

What to do if you’re in an enmeshed relationship

Now that you know the signs of an enmeshed relationship, you need to know what to do. As you know, it’s not a healthy dynamic, but there are some things you can do to try to rectify it. [Read: 39 Ways to stop being codependent and relying on others to make you happy]

1. Acknowledge the problem

One concept that you really need to internalize is that you can’t change what you don’t recognize. So, that is the first step. 

Just like an alcoholic can’t change unless they admit that they have a problem, you can’t fix your enmeshed relationship unless you both acknowledge that you actually have a problem.

2. Educate yourself

Being in an enmeshed relationship might feel completely normal to you. [Read: 24 Sad signs of an unhealthy relationship that ruin love forever]

Perhaps you had that kind of relationship with one of your parents, so you don’t know anything different. So, that’s why you’ll have to educate yourself about what a healthy relationship actually looks like.

3. Decide your boundaries

Lack of personal boundaries is a big sign and symptom of enmeshed relationships, so you need to figure out how to draw the line. You should stick up for yourself, learn to say “no,” and only accept behavior that is healthy and makes you happy. Boundaries are vital to good relationships. 

4. Communicate your boundaries

Once you have figured out what your boundaries are, you need to talk to your partner. [Read: Boundaries in a relationship – 43 healthy dating rules you MUST set early on]

Just having boundaries that are unspoken won’t do you any good. You have to have a serious conversation with them and tell them that things need to change and lay out how you are going to do that.

5. Assert independence

An enmeshed relationship can also have some codependency. So, you want to try to be as independent as you can. If you don’t try to have more of your own life, then you won’t ever break free of the dysfunctional dynamic of the relationship. 

6. Work on self-identity

If you have lost your identity in this relationship, then it’s time to rediscover yourself. [Read: 25 Honest, self-reflection questions to recognize the real YOU inside]

Ask yourself “Who am I?” and “What do I want out of life?” and “What do I want out of this relationship?” Doing some soul-searching will help you figure out who you really are.

7. Practice emotional detachment

There is healthy emotional attachment, and then there’s unhealthy emotional attachment. If you’re enmeshed too much, then that means that you are too attached. 

So, you must try to disengage and detach emotionally from the person consciously. It’s not easy to do, but you must do it to regain your identity. [Read: How to emotionally detach emotionally from someone and stop them from hurting you]

8. Address co-dependency

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person is the “giver” and sacrifices their own needs, and the other person is a “taker.”

So, if there is a co-dependent dynamic in your relationship, you need to address it – especially if you are the “giver.” 

9. Be prepared for pushback

There is a reason why two people find themselves in an enmeshed relationship – it’s because one or both of them like it. So, your partner might be fine with the way things are between the two of you.

But if you’re not feeling the same way, be prepared for the fact that your partner will push back and try to keep the relationship dynamic the same. [Read: Why do people get defensive? 14 reasons and ways to handle them]

10. Try starting small

You are not going to fix an enmeshed relationship overnight. It took a long time for the dynamic to develop, so it’s going to take a long time for it to be unraveled. 

So, just start small and then keep making changes along the way. Be patient, and then you will eventually be able to have a healthier relationship.

11. Practice self-care

If you tend to be the giver in the relationship, then you should start paying more attention to yourself and your needs by practicing self-care. [Read: How to take care of yourself emotionally and avoid falling apart]

Take time for yourself, go get a massage, take a walk, meditate, read a book, or do whatever else makes you happy. 

12. Learn conflict resolution skills

Conflict can be healthy in a relationship, but you have to know how to handle it effectively. You can’t avoid it, and you also can’t yell, scream, or name-call either. You have to have a “team” mentality.

13. Visualize a healthy relationship

Visualization is a very powerful tool. It tricks your subconscious mind into thinking that what you are visualizing is reality and not fantasy. Even professional and Olympic athletes use it because it works. [Read: 38 Signs and traits of a happy, healthy relationship and what it should look like]

So, make a habit of visualizing a healthy relationship, and it will eventually become your reality.

14. Consider seeking professional help

Sometimes, two people can’t fix the relationship by themselves. So, if you can afford it, you should consider going to see a therapist. Ideally, you should go as a couple. But you would probably also benefit from having individual counseling too. 

15. End the relationship

If all else fails and nothing in this list works, then you will probably need to end the relationship. It’s easier said than done for a lot of people, but sometimes, that’s the only thing you can do to keep your sanity. [Read: How to break up with someone who loves you and not hurt them more]

The hidden impact of enmeshed relationships

As you know by now, enmeshed relationships can have some serious consequences. So, here are some even more,

1. Challenges in creating healthy relationships

If a child was raised with a parent that they had an enmeshed relationship with, then they will think that is “normal.” Although it’s not, it is their “normal.” 

So, when they grow up and have a romantic relationship of their own, their partner might feel smothered, and it could drive them away. [Read: Toxic relationship – what it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurts you]

2. Emotional drain

When two people are so emotionally intertwined, it can be exhausting. Not only are you feeling your emotions, but you feel theirs as well. And there you can feel like the whole relationship is like an energy vampire – it doesn’t lift you up, but rather sucks your life out.

3. Stifled personal growth and development

Whether a person is in an enmeshed relationship with their parent or even a romantic partner later in life, it will result in stifled personal growth and development.

This type of dynamic holds people back from discovering their own identity and who they really are.

4. Increased risk of mental health disorders

There are all sorts of mental health issues that can result because of an enmeshed relationship. [Read: Loving someone with depression – why it’s not your job to fix them]

Two of the most common ones are anxiety and depression. These disorders are very difficult for most people to deal with, and they make people’s lives challenging.

5. Challenges in exploring individual interests and passions

If you’re never allowed to have your own hobbies or passions because of an enmeshed relationship, then you will never have any fun on your own. You need your own friends, your own, life, and a certain level of independence outside of the relationship. 

6. Struggles with self-confidence

Most people struggle with their self-esteem, at least to some degree. [Read: How to build self-esteem and love life with simple life changes]

But when you’re in an enmeshed relationship, it makes it even worse. A person can’t break free and go discover themselves and work on self-love.

7. Difficulty accepting personal failures and successes

People in this relationship dynamic usually look to other people for validation, which is one big reason why they struggle with self-confidence.

They need their partner *or parent* to tell them when they have failed or succeeded at something. They have trouble seeing it for themselves. [Read: Feel like a failure? 23 truths to stop feeling defeated and find your way]

8. Struggles in developing emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, monitor, and regulate your own emotions, and it’s very important to a healthy relationship.

So, when someone’s in an enmeshed relationship, they don’t really have the opportunity to do that for themselves because the other person usually does it for them.

9. Difficulty navigating independence in adulthood

When a child grows up with an enmeshed relationship with one or both parents, they won’t know how to be an independent adult when the time comes. [Read: 14 Spirited steps to be independent in a relationship and love better]

They are so used to having their parents there for them all the time that they never developed the skills to live life independently.

How to heal from enmeshment trauma

If you find that you are *or were* in an enmeshed relationship, it can be traumatic. But don’t worry, there are some things you can do to help heal yourself.

1. Recognize unhealthy patterns

You are likely so deep into your enmeshed relationship that it can be difficult to even see what needs to be changed. [Read: Why you keep having the same fight and secrets to break the unhealthy cycle]

Because, after all, it is your “normal.” But try to recognize the things that aren’t working for you. Assess your emotions when you can, and take note of what you want to do differently.

2. Explore individual interests

Try to learn what interests you and excites you. Try taking up a hobby, going to the gym, reading books, or joining clubs.

Venture outside of your relationship and try to find out what you really like – not what they like.

3. Learn to make decisions independently

If you ever want to be your own person, then you will have to learn how to make decisions for yourself. You can’t always rely on other people to make them for you. [Read: Why am I so indecisive? 25 whys and ways to be an instant decision maker]

As adults, we all have very important decisions to make every day, and you have to be able to take care of yourself.

4. Foster healthy relationships outside the enmeshed unit

If the person you’re in an enmeshed relationship with doesn’t want you to interact or form relationships with anyone else, you’re going to have to change that. Meet new people and do things without the person you’re in the relationship with.

5. Navigate emotions separately from each other

Because your emotions are so tied to one another, you are going to have to learn what your emotions are – and not theirs. [Read: Negative thinking – 32 signs and ways to stop and get rid of negative thoughts]

Figure out what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. Don’t involve this person in trying to figure it out – do it all by yourself.

6. Cultivate self-esteem independent of others

You don’t need anyone to tell you how to feel about yourself – for better or for worse. Start eating healthy, go to the gym, read self-help books, and go to a therapist if you can. You can love yourself, but you have to be the one who does the work.

7. Develop coping mechanisms for fear of abandonment

Usually, the fear of abandonment is a big problem for people in enmeshed relationships. [Read: Abandonment issues- what it is, causes, types, 34 signs, and how it hurts you]

So, you are going to have to figure out how to let go of that fear. It can be done. And even if you need the help of other people or a therapist, it’s vital that you do that.

8. Reinforce privacy and personal space

In this enmeshed dynamic, there is very little – if any – privacy and personal space. But in order to develop independence from this person, you have to claim it for yourself. Not only that, but you also need to make sure the other person has their privacy and space too.

How to prevent enmeshment in relationships

If you just got out of an enmeshed relationship, then you’ll have to know how to prevent it from happening again. Here are some things you can do. [Read: 45 Big relationship red flags most people completely ignore early in love]

1. Understand the importance of individuality

People in enmeshed relationships don’t really see the importance of being their own person because their relationship is their identity.

But you have to realize that you are your own person, so you should establish your independence in your next relationship. 

2. Respect personal boundaries

If you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be as enmeshed as you were with someone else, then you need to respect their boundaries.

If they want to be alone, let them be alone. And if they want to go out with their friends, let them do it.

3. Foster healthy emotional connectivity

Just because being in an enmeshed relationship is unhealthy doesn’t mean that that emotional connection is. [Read: Emotional connection – 38 signs, secrets, and ways to build a real bond]

In fact, being emotionally connected to people is very healthy! But you just have to do it in a balanced way.

4. Encourage independence and personal growth

When you’re in a normal relationship, it’s important to encourage your partner to be their own person and be the best version of themselves. And the same goes for you too. You should never stop growing and changing as a person.

5. Recognize and respect individual interests and passions

Even if you don’t understand or enjoy what your partner’s interests and passions are, you should still respect them. [Read: 9 Important habits you need to be more independent]

For example, if your partner loves sports or reading and you don’t, let them do what they love to do without giving them a hard time.

6. Cultivate separate social circles

If you’re in a romantic relationship, that doesn’t mean that you both have to hang out with the same people.

Join meet-up groups that interest you, and they should do the same. Meet new people and hang out in different social circles so you won’t be joined at the hip.

7. Encourage individual decision-making

Sure, all of our decisions affect other people. But they are just that – our decisions. [Read: Indecisive partner – why they can’t decide, and 22 firm ways to deal with it]

So, if you or your partner seem unable to make their own choices, you should stop doing that and encourage both of you to be more independent thinkers. 

8. Promote emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence comes easily for some people, but not for everyone. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn to raise your EI. If you need to go to a therapist to have them help you do it, then it’s worth it.

9. Reinforce the importance of personal accountability

Unfortunately, too many people don’t take personal responsibility for their thoughts and actions. [Read: Immature men – 53 manchild signs, why he’s a pain to date, and ways to help him]

But it’s the right thing to do. So, make sure that both of you see what they do and how it affects the other person.

10. Create a safe space for personal expression

Communication is crucial to any relationship. And part of healthy communication is being able to express yourself in a healthy manner.

Make sure neither of you get critical or defensive when you communicate with each other.

11. Encourage mutual respect

Remember that everyone is different, and we all deserve respect. So, make sure that you respect your partner and your choices, and they should do the same for you. [Read: 36 Signs of disrespect in a relationship that reveal a lack of love and respect]

12. Build balanced relationships

A good, healthy relationship is a two-way street. Each person should take turns giving to the other person and receiving from their partner. Having a balanced relationship will help get you out of or prevent the enmeshed dynamic.

13. Regularly revisit and reassess relationship dynamics

Every relationship needs to have the rules and boundaries revisited and reassessed once in a while. Sometimes, people can fall back into their bad habits and need to be held accountable. So, keep the lines of communication open and check in regularly.

[Read: Should we break up? 35 signs it’s over and past the point of no return]

If you think that you’re in an enmeshed relationship, hopefully, these steps and tips will help you. While it’s not a healthy dynamic, you can change it or prevent it from happening in a new relationship in the future. It takes a little effort, but it’s worth it.

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