Deflection in a Relationship: What It Is, 52 Signs, Effects & How To Deal With It

Does your partner skillfully dodge tough topics? Here’s how to see deflection in a relationship, read the right signs, and the best ways to to deal with it.

Let’s picture a young couple, Emily and Alex, who are having one of those “lively debates” we all know too well. Emily, with her arms crossed, inquired, “Alex, why didn’t you tell me you were going out last night?” Without missing a beat, Alex retorted, “Have you seen this hilarious cat video? It’s doing backflips!” Classic case of deflection in a relationship!

Now, for those of you scratching your heads, wondering if Alex just has a peculiar love for athletic cats, let’s put on our psychology hats.

What is Deflection in a Relationship?

Very simply, deflection is a defense mechanism where individuals, *like our dear Alex* divert attention away from themselves.

Why? To gracefully sidestep the landmine of confrontation or accountability.

So, next time someone swerves the topic faster than a cat chasing a laser pointer, you might be witnessing a master of deflection at work!

[Read: Gaslighting – What it is, how it works, and 33 signs to spot it ASAP]

Why Do People Deflect in a Relationship?

Deflection in a relationship can be a bit of a tricky puzzle. While some people are fully aware they’re dodging the topic like it’s a surprise quiz, others might be doing it subconsciously, genuinely unaware of their evasive maneuvers.

But what fuels this ninja-like sidestepping in conversations? Let’s decode the underlying motives:

1. Preservation of Self-Esteem

We’ve all been there. That moment when we realize we might have goofed up. Admitting you’re wrong can feel like you’re handing someone a megaphone to announce it to the world.

But here’s the twist: sometimes, deflection in a relationship is less about keeping the other person in the dark and more about preserving our own self-image.

After all, our ego can be a delicate flower that doesn’t take well to storms. [Read: Dating someone with low self-esteem: What it’s like for both of you]

2. Fear of Vulnerability

Opening up in a relationship is like sharing your secret chocolate stash. There’s an inherent risk someone might take more than you’re willing to give.

Deflection can be a defense mechanism, a shield if you will, against exposing one’s inner fears and insecurities. Nobody wants to feel like their heart’s on a display shelf, right?

Sometimes, it’s easier to deflect than to face the potential emotional roller coaster.

3. A Need for Control

Relationships are intricate dances. And sometimes, when you feel you’re missing a step or two, you try to lead the dance yourself.

Deflection in a relationship can be a way to retain a semblance of control, especially when things feel chaotic.

It’s not always about avoiding blame but rather ensuring the narrative stays on a familiar track, one where we feel in charge. [Read: Controlling relationship: 42 signs & ways to love without bullying]

4. Childhood Patterns

Our childhood plays a crucial role in shaping our behaviors and reactions as adults. Someone who grew up in an environment where mistakes were severely punished or criticism was rampant may have learned to deflect as a survival tactic.

If direct confrontation as a kid led to negative consequences, deflection became their safety net.

So, when you spot deflection in a relationship, sometimes it’s a protective behavior that’s been years in the making.

5. Avoidance of Negative Emotions

This one’s a bit universal. Who loves feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed? That’s right, nobody. For some, these feelings can be particularly overwhelming.

Deflection can be a way to avoid the avalanche of negative emotions that come with accepting responsibility.

Instead of facing the internal discomfort, it’s like hitting the ‘snooze’ button on an emotional alarm clock.

6. Fear of Intimacy

It might sound counterintuitive, especially in romantic relationships, but some individuals fear true intimacy.

By constantly deflecting, they create a distance, ensuring that their partner never gets too close to their core vulnerabilities. It’s a bit like building a fortress around the most sensitive parts of their heart.

If they never truly let someone in, they believe they can’t be truly hurt. [Read: Intimacy issues: What it looks like, 39 signs, causes & tips to date with it]

7. Desire for Perfection

In our Instagram-perfect world, the pressure to be flawless can be immense. Some people deflect not because they don’t care, but because they care too much about appearing perfect.

Admitting to a fault or a mistake might shatter that carefully curated image, leading to deflection as a way of self-preservation.

The Red Flags and Signs of Deflection in a Relationship

When deflection pops up in a relationship, it’s like that unexpected twist in your favorite drama series. You didn’t see it coming, but now you can’t stop noticing it!

So, how do these deflections manifest? Let’s take a look.

1. Blame Shifting

Ah, the classic “this isn’t about me” dance. One minute you’re discussing their forgotten call, and the next, it’s about that one time YOU misplaced the car keys.

Deflection in a relationship often takes the form of shifting the blame spotlight, making it all about the other person. [Read: 105 most common gaslighting phrases, techniques and signs to recognize them]

2. Topic Hopping

Imagine discussing a missed anniversary and suddenly, you’re knee-deep in a debate about laundry. It’s not your imagination, it’s the art of topic hopping, seamlessly switching the conversation topic to avoid accountability.

3. Playing the Victim

Ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells? You offer a slice of constructive feedback, and boom! It’s the “You always target me!” show.

By playing the victim card, the deflector hopes to redirect the narrative in their favor. [Read: Playing victim: Signs & reasons why it makes your life way worse]

4. Sarcasm Overload

Sarcasm can be fun, but not when it’s overcooked. When every genuine concern is met with a sarcastic remark, it’s deflection working its charm.

It’s the not-so-fun kind of humor in a relationship, creating barriers rather than bridges.

5. Gaslighting

This one’s a heavyweight champion. “You’re just imagining things” or “You’re too sensitive.” It’s more than just deflection; it’s making the other person question their reality.

Gaslighting in a relationship can be especially damaging as it erodes trust and self-confidence. [Read: Gaslighting: What it is, how it works & 33 signs to spot it ASAP]

6. Using Affection as a Distraction

Ever had a disagreement suddenly interrupted by a surprise gift? While gestures of love are fantastic, using them to divert from serious talks? That’s deflection in its sweetest disguise.

7. Over-Explaining

Over-explaining can be a subtle yet effective diversion tactic. By overwhelming the conversation with unnecessary intricacies, the deflector can cleverly steer attention away from the core topic.

This barrage of information, often irrelevant to the main point, acts as a smokescreen, clouding clarity and making it challenging to address the heart of the matter in the relationship.

It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but in this case, the needle is the genuine issue, and the haystack is the avalanche of superfluous details.

8. Avoiding Eye Contact

If they’re suddenly very interested in their shoes or the ceiling when a touchy topic comes up, it might be a subtle sign of deflection. It’s like their eyes are saying, “If I don’t see the issue, it doesn’t exist.”

9. Immediate Counter-Attack

Immediate Counter-Attack is a rapid-fire response mechanism. When confronted, the individual immediately turns the tables, highlighting the other person’s flaws or past mistakes.

This tactic, often a knee-jerk reaction, serves to deflect the focus from them and put the spotlight on you. By making you the “problem,” they sidestep their own accountability, leading the conversation into a detour.

It’s a defensive move, ensuring the conversation’s battlefield shifts from their turf to yours, making genuine resolution in the relationship a challenging feat.

10. Silent Treatment

The silent treatment isn’t just the absence of words. It’s an active form of deflection in a relationship. Instead of addressing an issue, they might go radio silent, turning the cold shoulder.

This can force the other person to drop the topic, achieving the deflecting partner’s goal. [Read: Silent treatment in a relationship: Why it hurts & 37 must-knows to handle it]

11. Turning to Technology

Ever try having a serious conversation and they suddenly become engrossed in their phone? Using technology as a buffer is a modern twist to deflection in a relationship.

By diving into the digital realm, they can avoid the real-life drama unfolding in front of them.

12. Defensiveness

Instead of listening, every statement is met with a counter-argument. They’re always on the defensive, guarding their turf.

It’s less about understanding and more about ensuring they’re never on the “losing” side of a conversation.

13. Over-Apologizing

Apologies are great, but not when used as a smokescreen. If they’re always saying sorry without addressing the underlying issue, it’s a sign of deflection in a relationship.

It’s like throwing a blanket “my bad” over everything without real resolution. [Read: 28 heartfelt ways to say you’re sorry & apologize to someone you love]

14. Seeking Validation from Others

In the middle of a disagreement, they might say, “Well, Mike agrees with me” or “Sarah said the same thing.”

By seeking external validation, they’re trying to strengthen their stance and deflect from the main concern.

15. Playing Dumb

Pretending not to understand what you’re talking about is a classic move. “I don’t get what you mean” or “What are you even saying?” can be ways to halt the conversation in its tracks and deflect from diving deeper.

16. Physical Distancing

When words fail, the body speaks. If they’re physically moving away, avoiding touch, or crossing arms during a crucial chat, it’s a non-verbal form of deflection in a relationship.

It’s like their body is saying, “I’m out!”

17. Bringing Up Old Issues

Remember that one argument from three months ago? They do. And they’ll bring it up just when you’re trying to address something current.

It’s a deflection tactic, hoping you’ll get caught in the past and forget the present. [Read: Relationship arguments – 38 tips and ways to fight fair and grow closer in love]

18. Generalizing the Issue

“Everyone does it” or “It’s just how things are.” By generalizing, they’re minimizing the specific issue at hand. It’s a way of deflecting in a relationship by making it seem like the concern isn’t unique or valid.

19. Fake Agreement

Just nodding and agreeing without real comprehension or intention to act is a subtle form of deflection. It’s the “Yes, dear” without any follow-through. They might hope that by seemingly agreeing, the topic will vanish.

20. Shifting to Positive Recall

Suddenly reminiscing about the good times when faced with a serious concern? It’s a deflection technique.

By focusing on happier memories, they aim to shift the mood and avoid addressing the actual issue. [Read: Psychological manipulation: How it works, 37 tactics, signs, and how it works]

Deflection vs. Genuine Distraction

Before jumping to conclusions and tagging a partner as “The Grand Deflector”, it’s essential to recognize when they might just be genuinely distracted. Here’s a side-by-side comparison to assist:

1. Frequency

Deflection: It’s a recurring pattern. Whenever specific topics or issues arise, there’s a consistent tendency to sidestep or change the subject.

Genuine Distraction: It’s a sporadic occurrence. They’re usually attentive, but everyone has off days or moments where they’re preoccupied. [Read: 45 relationship red flags most couples completely ignore early in a relationship]

2. Contextual Clues

Deflection: There’s a particular context or topic that triggers the evasive behavior. Discussing finances? They might suddenly remember an “urgent” chore.

Genuine Distraction: The lack of attention isn’t tied to specific touchy subjects. They might be spaced out thinking about work or other stresses.

3. Emotional Response

Deflection: There’s often a defensive or reactive emotional undertone when the topic is broached, signaling it’s a touchy area.

Genuine Distraction: Their response is more neutral or apologetic. They genuinely seem surprised or unaware that they missed or forgot something. [Read: 25 good signs your relationship will last and 32 bad ones to say it won’t!]

4. Body Language

Deflection: Body language might be closed off, with crossed arms or avoiding eye contact when certain topics come up in the relationship.

Genuine Distraction: Their body language is more relaxed and open but might seem distant or lost in thought.

5. Follow-Up Behavior

Deflection: After the conversation, there’s no revisiting the topic or acknowledgment. It’s as if the discussion never happened.

Genuine Distraction: They might circle back later, acknowledging they were distracted and initiating a conversation about what was missed.

6. Accountability

Deflection: There’s a consistent lack of ownership or acknowledgment of behavior, even if evidence points to the contrary.

Genuine Distraction: They accept they were distracted and will often explain the reason, like a busy day at work or personal stress.

7. Conversation Depth

Deflection: Conversations rarely go beyond the surface level, especially on topics that might lead to deflection.

Genuine Distraction: They’re usually open to deep conversations but might have moments where they can’t engage fully due to external factors. [Read: 50 of the best relationship topics and things to talk about in a happy relationship]

How Consistent Deflection Can Erode Trust and Intimacy

Continuous deflection in a relationship isn’t just a quirky habit—it can have profound impacts on both partners and the relationship as a whole.

Here’s what happens when the art of sidestepping becomes the norm:

1. Eroded Self-Esteem

Constant deflection can leave a person second-guessing themselves. When concerns are regularly brushed aside, it sends a message that their feelings are invalid, leading to diminished self-worth over time.

2. Increased Anxiety

When there’s frequent deflection in a relationship, one can feel like they’re walking on eggshells. Not knowing how a conversation will pivot can induce stress, leading to heightened anxiety. [Read: Relationship anxiety: What it is, 44 signs, feelings & ways to get over it]

3. Feeling Unsupported

Relationships are about partnership and support. Regular deflection gives a sense that one’s partner is not truly “there,” leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

4. Trust Issues

If issues are consistently dodged, it’s hard to believe words that come from the deflecting partner. Over time, the trust foundation can crumble, making it hard to have faith in the relationship. [Read: How to help someone with trust issues open up & overcome their fear]

5. Emotional Exhaustion

Engaging with someone who consistently deflects can be emotionally draining. The constant mental gymnastics of trying to steer conversations back on track can lead to burnout. [Read: Emotionally exhausted? How it feels, 41 signs & reasons why you’re drained]

6. Diminished Intimacy

Emotional connection is the glue in relationships. With deflection as a regular player, true intimacy, both emotional and physical, can take a backseat, leading to a widening emotional distance.

7. Unresolved Conflicts

Deflection stops issues from being truly addressed. Over time, these unresolved matters pile up, turning into potential relationship landmines.

8. Communication Breakdown

Effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Frequent deflection in a relationship can clog these communication channels, making open dialogues rare.

10. Stunted Growth

Relationships are dynamic, constantly evolving entities. Consistent deflection hinders this growth, leading to stagnation and a sense of being stuck in a loop.

11. Vulnerability Void

True bonding happens when partners are vulnerable with each other. Deflection acts as a shield against this vulnerability, depriving the relationship of deep, meaningful connections.

Dealing with Deflection in a Relationship

Deflection in a relationship can feel like trying to nail jelly to a wall. But fear not! With the right strategies, even this slippery challenge can be handled.

Let’s dive into ways to effectively communicate and bridge the gap that deflection can create:

1. Effective Communication

No one likes to feel cornered or blamed. Using “I” statements can be a game-changer in how a conversation is perceived.

Instead of saying, “You always ignore my feelings,” opt for “I feel hurt when my emotions aren’t acknowledged.”

This approach feels less accusatory and opens the door for more constructive dialogue in the relationship. [Read: 31 communication exercises & games for couples and secrets to feel closer]

2. Timing is Everything

Timing can make or break a conversation. Choosing a moment when both partners are relaxed and free of distractions can set the stage for a fruitful discussion.

So, instead of diving into a heavy talk right after a tiring day, maybe reserve it for a calm weekend morning.

3. Seeking Professional Help

When deflection patterns are deeply rooted and persistent, sometimes an external perspective can help.

Therapists are trained to spot and address deflection in a relationship. They offer a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and find common ground.

4. Stay Calm and Patient

Responding to deflection with anger or frustration can escalate the situation. Keeping a calm demeanor, even when faced with evasiveness, can help steer the conversation back on track.

Remember, patience is a virtue, especially in relationships! [Read: 22 secrets to stop being so angry, calm your mind & stop hurting yourself]

5. Reflect Back

Sometimes, holding up a mirror can help. Gently pointing out the deflection without blame, like “I noticed we shifted topics. Can we go back to discussing _?” can bring awareness and refocus the conversation.

6. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” try open-ended ones.

Asking “How did you feel when that happened?” can lead to more in-depth conversations and reduce opportunities for deflection.

7. Affirm Their Feelings

Acknowledging and validating their feelings can create a safe environment. Statements like “I understand where you’re coming from” can ease defensiveness and make room for a more open dialogue.

Break the Cycle of Deflection and Evasiveness

Recognizing deflection is the first step toward fostering a healthier and more transparent connection with your partner.

Relationships are intricate, and while they require patience, they also demand a genuine willingness to understand and be understood.

[Read: 36 signs of disrespect in a relationship that reveal a lack of love and respect]

With awareness and effort, partners can break the cycle of evasiveness and build a more honest foundation. So, here’s to a future where deflection in a relationship takes a backseat, allowing genuine conversations to drive the journey forward.

The post Deflection in a Relationship: What It Is, 52 Signs, Effects & How To Deal With It is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.