How to Have a Difficult Conversation Without Losing Your Nerve

Nobody likes the potential for conflict, but learning how to have a difficult conversation will steer you toward a positive outcome.

Think back to the last time you had a conversation with someone that you were dreading. You probably built it up in your mind to epic proportions. Then, you lost your nerve at the last minute and didn’t end up going through with it. If this sounds familiar, learn how to have a difficult conversation and follow through.

Knowing how to navigate a difficult conversation isn’t something that people are just born knowing how to do. It takes time, patience, and understanding to be able to have these types of conversations and achieve a positive outcome.

Of course, there is the risk of possible conflict. Sometimes people don’t like to be on the receiving end of these types of conversations either! [Read: Fear of confrontation: What it is, how it feels & 23 secrets to overcome it]

Reasons Not to Avoid Difficult Conversations

Ever had that sinking feeling in your stomach when you know you’ve got to broach a topic you’d much rather sweep under the rug?

We’ve all been there, imagining every worst-case scenario. But why, oh why, must we venture into these treacherous conversational waters?

A difficult conversation, simply put, is any discussion where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. This often happens because, according to psychological principles, high-stakes situations trigger our innate fight or flight response, heightening emotions and making rational discourse challenging.

Think telling a friend they’ve hurt your feelings, asking a partner to change a bothersome habit, or discussing performance issues with an employee.

1. Builds Stronger Relationships

Engaging in difficult conversations can actually strengthen relationships. A study by The Journal of Conflict Resolution showed that addressing conflicts can increase understanding and empathy between parties. [Read: 23 secrets & real life problems that make a relationship stronger]

Imagine finally discussing the lingering issue with your friend. You’ll likely find a new level of depth and trust in your friendship, making the temporary discomfort worth it.

2. Promotes Personal Growth

Difficult conversations are kind of like mental gyms; they stretch and strengthen your emotional intelligence. Facing challenging topics requires self-awareness, empathy, and adaptability.

Each tough talk you navigate contributes to your personal development, making you more equipped for future challenges.

3. Prevents Small Issues from Becoming Bigger

Addressing an issue early on can stop it from snowballing into something unmanageable. Think about a small misunderstanding at work that, left unaddressed, could escalate into a major conflict. Early intervention keeps things manageable and less daunting, right?

4. Enhances Self-Esteem

Successfully navigating a difficult conversation can positively impact your self-esteem. A study found that individuals who effectively manage challenging interpersonal situations at work tend to report higher self-efficacy.

This sense of achievement in handling tough scenarios translates into greater confidence in their abilities. It’s a practical demonstration of how overcoming communication hurdles can bolster an individual’s belief in themselves. [Read: High self-esteem: 33 low signs, what hurts self-worth & secrets to pump it]

5. Leads to Better Solutions and Compromises

Conversations that tackle tough topics often lead to more creative and effective solutions. When you openly discuss issues, you’re more likely to come up with a compromise that satisfies all parties involved. It’s a collaborative process where everyone’s needs can be more effectively met.

6. Fosters a Culture of Openness

In a workplace setting, facing difficult conversations head-on fosters a culture of transparency and honesty. Instead of giving your coworker Jon the side-eye for eating your lunch, imagine addressing it directly with him.

This approach not only resolves the immediate issue but also sets a precedent for open communication. Such a culture encourages everyone to speak up and address issues promptly, leading to a more positive and productive work environment where misunderstandings are cleared up and problems are tackled effectively.

7. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

Avoiding difficult conversations often leads to increased stress and anxiety, as unresolved issues linger in your mind. [Read: Signs of anxiety: How to read the signs ASAP & handle them better]

Studies have shown that confronting these issues can lead to a significant reduction in stress, as the uncertainty and ‘what ifs’ are addressed. It’s about facing the fear and finding relief on the other side.

8. Improves Decision Making

Having difficult conversations often requires critical thinking and problem-solving skills. This process can enhance your decision-making abilities, as you learn to weigh different perspectives and outcomes.

9. Encourages Self-Reflection

Engaging in difficult conversations often leads to moments of self-reflection, much like those times when you’re stewing in frustration only to realize, after the talk, that your perspective was off. This kind of situation pushes you to reassess your assumptions and consider other viewpoints.

It’s a valuable opportunity to understand not just the people around you, but also your own values, beliefs, and behaviors.

Such introspection can be eye-opening, offering chances for personal growth and a better understanding of your relationships. [Read: 25 honest, self-reflection questions to recognize the real YOU inside]

10. Leads to a More Authentic Life

Lastly, engaging in difficult conversations allows you to express your true thoughts and feelings. Authenticity is crucial for living a fulfilling and genuine life. Whether it’s with friends, family, or colleagues, being honest and open in your communications leads to more genuine connections and a more authentic existence.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation and Follow Through Without Faltering

If you want to overcome challenges, you should know the eleven main steps which help you learn how to have a difficult conversation… without backing out at the last minute.

1. Choose the Right Moment

The first step in how to have a difficult conversation is knowing the right time to do it. Don’t attempt a tough conversation if the person you need to talk to seems stressed, tired, angry about something else, not feeling well, or generally having a bad day.

This will simply lead to a poor outcome. If that’s the case, wait until another day. You’ll probably find everything works out far better. [Read: How to resolve conflict: The 20 best ways to cut out the drama]

2. Don’t Attempt the Conversation With Other People Around

Difficult conversations need to be conducted in private. Don’t attempt to have the conversation if there are other people in the room, or if there is a likelihood that someone will walk in and interrupt you. As with the last point, make sure you pick your moment, and not when others are in earshot.

3. Never Say “We Need to Talk.”

Uttering these words means the other person is going to quickly jump on the defensive and wonder what the problem is.

When learning how to have a difficult conversation, never set the tone in a negative way, just launch into it in a natural and easy-going way. Think back to the last time you heard “we need to talk.” You probably panicked and wondered what was going to come next! [Read: How to confront someone when you loathe uncomfortable interactions]

4. Think About What You Want to Say Beforehand

This doesn’t mean writing down summary points and having flash cards but know what you want to say and have the main points set in your mind. If you don’t think about it before, you’re going to forget to say something important.

Then, you’ll end up going back over a conversation that was already difficult enough. Don’t script it out, but know how you’re going to start and what you actually want to say to them. [Read: How to stop being passive aggressive and explain yourself clearly]

5. Don’t Expect the Conversation to Go a Certain Way

If you go into the conversation expecting it to flow in a particular direction, you’re going to be caught off guard when it doesn’t. Have your main points in your mind and just go with the flow, seeing where the conversation takes you.

6. Watch Your Body Language

Your body language also speaks for you, so make sure that its agreeing with what you’re actually saying! Avoid defensive body language, such as sitting with your legs or arms crossed, fidgeting, or avoiding eye contact.

Be relaxed, mirror their position, and make sure that you maintain eye contact. The wrong kind of body language can easily cause you to come over as confrontational. [Read: How to develop empathy and master the art of growing a real heart]

7. Be Direct, Don’t “Go Around the Houses.”

Whatever you want to say, make sure you say it and do it in a way which isn’t going to cause confusion or add unnecessary word count to the conversation!

There is nothing worse than listening to someone babble on, waiting for them to get to the actual point. This isn’t how to have a difficult conversation! Make the point of the conversation known at the very start. Then, outline your points from there.

8. Choose Your Language and Tone Carefully

Words can easily take on a different meaning when you add a specific tone to them, e.g. sarcasm. Make sure that you don’t intentionally choose sentences full of big and complicated words. You’ll make the other person feel inadequate or confused.

Just keep it simple, but not too simple! You don’t want to be condescending either. [Read: How to be dominant and be the real alpha without trying too hard]

9. See the Other Person’s Side

This is a conversation, not a lecture. The person you’re talking to will have input too. Make sure that you do your best to see their side of things and understand their point of view.

Part of learning how to have a difficult conversation is understanding that your side might not be 100% right. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get your point across, but understand that they have their point too.

10. Listen!

Make sure that you sit and listen to what they’re saying. Most people think they know how to listen, but in truth they don’t. It’s not just about the words the other person is saying, it’s about picking up on non-verbal cues too, such as tone of voice, body language, etc.

Listen to everything and really understand what is being communicated to you. This is one of the main points you need to cover when learning how to have a difficult conversation. [Read: Do you understand and embody the 15 qualities of a good person?]

11. Manage Your Emotions

When you’re gearing up for a difficult conversation, it’s like prepping for an important presentation – you need to be in the right state of mind.

Check in with yourself. Are you upset or anxious? It’s crucial to recognize these feelings, but don’t let them dominate the discussion. Keeping your emotions in check helps you stay focused on the topic and prevents the conversation from derailing. [Read: Emotionally stable: How to find your zone of perfect calmness]

12. Practice Empathetic Listening

Empathetic listening is more than just nodding along. It’s about really tuning into what the other person is saying, beyond just their words.

When you listen with empathy, you’re trying to understand their feelings and perspective. This not only shows respect but also opens up the conversation for deeper understanding, making the whole experience more constructive.

13. Take Breaks if Needed

It’s totally fine to take a breather during a tough talk. If things get too heated or confusing, suggest a short break. This gives everyone a chance to cool down and gather their thoughts.

Taking a short break can help both sides come back to the discussion with a clearer head and a better focus.

14. Work Together to Achieve a Positive Outcome

Difficult conversations don’t have to be confrontational or upsetting, they can be constructive and progressive, too.

You can work together to ensure that the conversation comes to a suitable and positive point. Agree that yes, this topic is a little awkward or difficult, but it needs to be discussed. Approaching it in the right way, on both sides, will help you do this.

Nobody likes difficult conversations. Don’t feel as though you’re failing if you simply don’t want to approach a particular subject with someone. But sometimes things just need to be said. Be brave and just go for it. [Read: How to deal with bullies – 13 grownup ways to confront mean people]

15. Reflect and Follow Up

After wrapping up, take a moment to think about how the conversation went. What parts were successful, and what could you improve on next time? This kind of reflection is key to growing your conversation skills.

Plus, following up later shows that you’re committed to the resolution and value the relationship. It’s a way to make sure everything discussed is understood and moving in the right direction.

Conversations are Two-Way Things

By understanding the right way to approach this type of situation, you avoid losing your nerve at the last minute, and you are far less likely to offend or upset the person you need to speak to. This gives you a great opportunity to work out a situation that is causing difficulties for you both, whatever it may be.

Remember that conversations are two-way things. Listen and take on their point of view as much as you communicate your own. You may not be right. Perhaps they have something they want to say that is far more enlightening than the point you’re trying to get across. [Read: How to be an adult: Mature ways to handle situations like a grown up]

Learning how to have a difficult conversation is as much about preparation as it is about the actual moment. However, be prepared to go with the flow and pick the right moment for the conversation. After all, these are the conversations that really matter, as they often lead to significant breakthroughs and deeper understanding in relationships.

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